Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house - cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
In Chapel Hill, a UNC* Prof. was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the unhurt prof's chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?"
The prof. said, "I make a nice living."
________ *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including: B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C. (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898 for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
"The Human Brain" ....................................... by Sara Bellum "Please Don't Hurt Me"................................ by I. Bruce Easily "Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk"............. by Al Coholic "The Proper Use of Sunscreens".................. by Justin Casey Burns "How To Cure Scratching"........................... by Ivan Awfulich "How To Save Time" ................................... by Terry A. While
Is Abortion a Moral Issue? A Fascinating Debate on the Left
America has been embroiled in a seemingly endless debate over the issue of abortion for four decades now, but the most fascinating dispute on this issue may now be among those who consider themselves, in one way or another, advocates of abortion rights.
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
A UNC prof. filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
UNC is now accepting graduates of the following skools of higher edukation for faculty.......... ~Salsa Rancho College ~Reboot University ~Slick State University ~Innuendo Night College ~World Global Transnational U. ~Sweet Dill Junior College ~North by Northeastern U. ~Skidmore Snowshoe U. ~Kansas Pacific University ~Texas Aunt Em College ~University of California at Sunset ~Massachusetts Institute of Trees ~St. Cunnilingus Day School ~College of the Equator ~Pungent University of the West ~Shoe Fly Pie Academy ~Menthol State University ~Bay Rum Polytechnic University ~Yahoo College of Atlantis ~Exterior Latex School of Art ~Moon River Divinity School ~Clinica Veterinaria de Brazil ~Louisiana College of Dentistry & Dressmaking ~Uganda U. ~Hash Brown University ~Upstairs Downstairs on the Right College ~Simple Simian School of Tax Fraud ~Plagiarism Creative Writing College ~Degree Mill of Miami Beach
Mulling over the menu in a restaurant near the UNC* campus, I asked the waitress if the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave me a stare and replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on: The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana College Professors: University City, Missouri Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin Firefighters: Smokey Mountains Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan Lawyers: Accident, Maryland Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York Optometrists: Plainview, New York Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina Pianists: Florida Keys Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah Democrat Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia Sailors: Marina, California Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
It's an opening familiar to millions of Americans. A New York resident is walking down the street, minding his own business—maybe arguing with his spouse or chatting with a friend. Suddenly, he stops, a look of horror spreading over his face. At his feet is a dead body. The blood and gore are clues the victim probably didn't die of natural causes.
It's the beginning of Law and Order, one of the most popular cop shows of all time. And it's far from the only cop show on television these days. Police and courtroom dramas have all but taken over prime time: Monk, Bone, The Shield, The Closer, Without a Trace, three versions of Law & Order, and three variations of CSI.
The graduate with a Science degree from Duke asks, "Why does it work?" Graduates with an Engineering degree from N.C.State asks, "How does it work?" Grads with an Accounting degree U. of Mich. asks, "How much will it cost?" The UNC Art School graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Being Mocked: The Essence Of Christ's Work, Not Muhammad's
What we saw in the past few weeks in the Islamic demonstrations over the Danish cartoons of Muhammad was another vivid depiction of the difference between Muhammad and Christ, and what it means to follow each. Not all Muslims approve the violence. But a deep lesson remains: The work of Muhammad is based on being honored and the work of Christ is based on being insulted. This produces two very different reactions to mockery.
If Christ had not been insulted, there would be no salvation. This was His saving work: to be insulted and die to rescue sinners from the wrath of God. Already in the Psalms the path of mockery was promised: “All who see me mock me; they make mouths at Me; they wag their heads” (Psalm 22:7). “He was despised and rejected by men . . . as one from whom men hide their faces . . . and we esteemed Him not” (Isaiah 53:3).
Are stay at home moms a threat to civilization? Those of you who are shocked by this question should take note of the fact that ABC's " Good Morning America" program devoted seg - ments to this question on two successive days, featuring the arguments of Linda Hirshman, a prominent feminist thinker.
"I am saying an educated, competent adult's place is in the office," Hirshman told "Good Morning America." In other words, moms who stay at home with their children have given themselves to a calling that no educated or competent adult should desire or accept.