A UNC prof. filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
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Q. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a French kitchen? A. Linoleum blownapart.
Permission is hereby granted for you to change all humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another of your choice from the list below:
1) French university students 2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley 3) Any accredited high school or middle school 4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits 5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops 6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring to Duke, NCSU, JSU, Villanova, MSU. or Florida State.
Greeting from Sabah (Malaysia) of Borneo Island...remember Pulau Tiga (Island), where the first TV series "Survivor" was filmed...
I don't remember how I got into your mailing list, but hey, this is great stuff. Keep it coming. Could you also send this to my brother-in-law, K. G. He is from New York but now residing in this part of the world for the past 12 years or so.
Hey! I'm not sure how you got my addressm but I love your Humor!! I'm an English teacher in China, and loving your stuff! I noticed the soli deo gloria... EVEN BETTER!! Anyway, thanks for making me laugh and have a good one!
Oh, and could you add Luther College to the good list and the HORRIBLE, less dignifiedWartburg Knights to the list of EVIL mongalars? thanks-- all in Christian love, right:-)
Howdy, I'm not sure how or who signed me up to receive your newsletter, but I LOVE IT!!!!! There should be more people out there like you that share information like this. Does your newsletter come out weekly? I would love to continue to receive these and am going to sign up all of my friends.
Howdy, Just wanted to write and say I have enjoyed the newsletter very much! Many times it has brightened my day, and others as wel,l as I share the thoughts and humor from it. I am leaving here soon for another job and will no longer be at this address. May be able to subscribe again later. Thanks a bunch. LR
Hi- I am not an oxford grad or even a grad for that matter. I am a blond headed sophmore at Mississippi state university. So i'll make this short and sweet i enjoy your e-mails they are quite humorous. Please keep me on the mialing list...
A basketful of eggs and a four-year-old girl. Got any ideas how this might turn out? The little girl was my wife. If I tell you how many years ago, I don't go home tonight. Especially if you are a firstborn like Karen - and like me, for example - you will understand how this little scene played out on the basement stairs of the church her family attended. Her Dad said, "Honey, you should hold Daddy's hand." He wasn't too sure about either his daughter or the eggs she was carrying. As she grabbed onto the stair railing with one hand and gripped the handle of the basket with the other hand, she said, "I'm okay, Daddy." Famous last words. In an instant, she was tumbling down the steps, head over heels. She had minor boo-boos. The eggs, uh, were prematurely scrambled.
We smile at a little child's stubborn self-sufficiency, and we miss how much like us that really is. At least from the vantage point of our Heavenly Father.
That's why our Father gives us clear instructions on the way to make it and the way to mess it up ... the way to get safely where we need to go and the way to break all the eggs. It's summed up in two of the most quoted verses in the Bible from Proverbs 3:5-6. It could be your life verse and still not be the way you live! Our word for today from the Word of God says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Trust in Him, not in yourself. Lean on what He shows you and not on what you can figure out by yourself. It could be that you're running full-steam right now, pursuing your goal or managing your situation or fixing your problem. But the still, small voice of your Heavenly Father is whispering in your heart, "My child, you should hold My hand." But you're Mr. or Miss Self-Sufficient, right? You're smart, you're skilled, you're strong - and, from God's perspective, you're a control freak. Sure, you want Jesus with you, but you don't really want Him running things. "I can do this, Daddy. I can fix this. I can handle this." Followed soon by the crash, the breakage, the boo-boos.
Sure, you're officially, theologically trusting God, but in reality, you're trusting what you can do. In reality, while Jesus is your "Chairman" on the letterhead, in the stuff that really matters you're really in charge and Jesus' role in just honorary. Let's put it this way: you're driving down the road and you see this hitchhiker by the side of the road. You go against your usual instincts and you pull over to pick him up. As you open the passenger door, you're stunned to see Jesus Himself standing there. You say, "Jesus, this is such an honor. Would you please get in and ride with me?" And He'll say, "No." You'll probably ask, "Why not?" That's when Jesus will say, "Because I don't ride. I drive. You let me know when you're ready for Me to drive."
See, you were never meant to drive. You were never meant to carry all this. That's why there are so many stumbles, so many falls, so many breaks. Right now, your Lord - who won the right to run your life when He gave His life for you - your Lord is saying it one more time, "Take My hand. Lean on Me. Let Me lead." Don't tell Him, "No, I'm okay, Daddy. I can do it myself." That only leads to a fall. Don't make another step without grabbing your Father's hand and letting Him lead.
Two UNC football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation & not allowed to play in the big game the following week against N.C. State. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Putty Duh was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny quietly laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed, then he turned to Putty Duh. "Putty, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Putty Duh. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Putty Duh. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Listen to the audio broadcast! http://www.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/ramhurl?p=pnm&f=/rhm/sounds/awwy/awwy4991.rm
This may come as quite a surprise to you, but there were a lot of rumors in college that I was behind many of the practical jokes and pranks that happened while I was there. That's hard to imagine, isn't it? It wouldn't come as a total surprise to some of those folks that I finally ended up in the penitentiary; Alcatraz, in fact. Fortunately, my sentence was only about four hours. Actually, we had taken some young people out to that famous prison in the middle of San Francisco Bay to do a special radio program. Of course, it's been some years since any prisoners were held there on what they called The Rock, but it is still quite a place to see. While we were there, we experienced the awful claustrophobia of being locked in one of those little cells and the isolation of being in solitary confinement. For the closing segment of the program, we walked out of one of the prison gates and down to the rocks outside that overlook the bay. One of the young people with us was walk! ing out with me, and he made quite an observation. "Just think," he said, "there was only a wall between them and all this beauty."
I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about "Only a Wall."
Our word for today from the Word of God is about just such a wall; one which may be keeping you from beauty you were made for. Our word for today from the Word of God is Isaiah 59:2, and it says, "Your iniquities" - that's all the times that we've done things our way instead of God's way - "Your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you." Separation - that was the feeling we felt so strongly at Alcatraz. A person there was, in simple words, cut off from love, from freedom, from a beautiful world.
In a sense, God is saying here that we are all prisoners in our own personal Alcatraz - cut off from Him, from His love, His peace, and His heaven, which may account for an incurable loneliness that you've experienced over the years. It turns out we're lonely for God, because our sin has built a wall between us and our Creator. In fact, you may very well not have needed me to realize that there's a wall between you and God. You've felt it for a long time. If that wall doesn't come down in time, it becomes a death sentence; separation from God that is irreversible - eternal.
The wall that separates you from the beauty God wants you to have can come down, but not because of anything you or I can do about it. Somehow, our sins have to be removed and forgiven, and the death penalty paid by someone who takes our place. 1 Peter 3:18 in the Bible says "Christ died for our sins, ... the righteous (that's Him) for the unrighteous (that's you and me), to bring you to God." What Jesus did on the cross was to take your rap. You did the sinning, but Jesus did the dying. Which means the wall can come down the moment you put your total trust in Jesus to erase your sins from God's book and give you eternal life in place of eternal death.
When the door opened that day in the prison we were in, we were so anxious to leave behind that darkness and that loneliness and to finally step out to where we could breathe free and enjoy the beauty just beyond the wall. That's exactly what God wants you to experience today. He wants the wall between you and Him to come down, and it can - upon your invitation.
This could be the day when you say, "Lord, I believe that some of those sins you were dying for were mine. I turn from the running of my own life. You were meant to run it, and you will from now on. Jesus, because you died on the cross for me, I am Yours." That's the moment the wall comes down and you experience what God has for you.
If that's what you want, I wish you'd visit our website. I invite you to do that. It's called yoursforlife.net, and there I've kind of laid out a brief explanation of how to get started with Jesus Christ. It's yoursforlife.net. I hope you'll visit us there. Or if you'd rather call and get the booklet, you can call toll free at 877-741-1200.
Today you're at the door. Jesus is on the other side waiting to lead you out. Follow Him. It's really beautiful on the other side of the wall.
If you're not sure you belong to Jesus, and you would like to make sure today, Ron would like to send to you a free copy of the booklet, "Yours for Life: How to Have Life's Most Important Relationship." To read it online, click here: http://www.yoursforlife.net/
OR, to request your free copy of "Yours for Life," click here: http://rhm.gospelcom.net/yours/yflorder.html
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To find out how you can begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please visit YOURS FOR LIFE: HOW TO HAVE LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP at: http://www.yoursforlife.net Or, call 1-888-NEED HIM.