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Tuesday
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house -
cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs
me to help with the attic and the garage, moving
and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.
"I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count
on you!"
In Chapel Hill, a UNC* Prof. was hit by a car.
While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman
tucked a blanket under the unhurt prof's chin
and asked, "Are you comfortable?"
The prof. said, "I make a nice living."
________
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
(Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
RECOMMENDED READING
"The Human Brain" ....................................... by Sara Bellum
"Please Don't Hurt Me"................................ by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk"............. by Al Coholic
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens".................. by Justin Casey Burns
"How To Cure Scratching"........................... by Ivan Awfulich
"How To Save Time" ................................... by Terry A. While
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors's office. After
the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "if you don't
do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. "Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood."
2."At lunch time make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3."For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him
with household chores."
4."Satisfy his every whim."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had said, she replied " you're going to die."
Monday
Real Pictures
Is Abortion a Moral Issue?
A Fascinating Debate on the Left
America has been embroiled in a seemingly endless debate
over the issue of abortion for four decades now, but the most
fascinating dispute on this issue may now be among those who
consider themselves, in one way or another, advocates of
abortion rights.
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument,
both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
A UNC prof. filled his car with gas at a self-service
gas station. After he had paid and driven away,
he realized that he had left the gas cap on top
of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure
enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that
other people must have done the same thing,
and that it was worth going back to look by the
side of the road since even if he couldn't find his
own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when
he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into
place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found
another one that fits. And this one's even better because
it locks ..."
Saturday
Goodbye Barney!!!
Friday
Gone But Not Forgotten
UNC Exam Questions
UNC is now accepting graduates of the following
skools of higher edukation for faculty..........
~Salsa Rancho College
~Reboot University
~Slick State University
~Innuendo Night College
~World Global Transnational U.
~Sweet Dill Junior College
~North by Northeastern U.
~Skidmore Snowshoe U.
~Kansas Pacific University
~Texas Aunt Em College
~University of California at Sunset
~Massachusetts Institute of Trees
~St. Cunnilingus Day School
~College of the Equator
~Pungent University of the West
~Shoe Fly Pie Academy
~Menthol State University
~Bay Rum Polytechnic University
~Yahoo College of Atlantis
~Exterior Latex School of Art
~Moon River Divinity School
~Clinica Veterinaria de Brazil
~Louisiana College of Dentistry & Dressmaking
~Uganda U.
~Hash Brown University
~Upstairs Downstairs on the Right College
~Simple Simian School of Tax Fraud
~Plagiarism Creative Writing College
~Degree Mill of Miami Beach
Mulling over the menu in a restaurant near
the UNC* campus, I asked the waitress if
the roast beef was rare.
The waitress gave me a stare and replied,
"Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."
*See Comments
Eighty year old Bessie bursts into the rec room
of the men's retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily
announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my
hand can have a date with me tonight!!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,
"An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Medical Warning
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when
you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job
takes longer than you said it would."
Vacation Trips For Business People
Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Democrat Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
& noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the
Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Why We Love Cop Shows
It's an opening familiar to millions of Americans. A New York resident is
walking down the street, minding his own business—maybe arguing with
his spouse or chatting with a friend. Suddenly, he stops, a look of horror
spreading over his face. At his feet is a dead body. The blood and gore
are clues the victim probably didn't die of natural causes.
It's the beginning of Law and Order, one of the most popular cop shows
of all time. And it's far from the only cop show on television these days.
Police and courtroom dramas have all but taken over prime time: Monk,
Bone, The Shield, The Closer, Without a Trace, three versions of Law
& Order, and three variations of CSI.
The graduate with a Science degree from Duke asks,
"Why does it work?" Graduates with an Engineering
degree from N.C.State asks, "How does it work?"
Grads with an Accounting degree U. of Mich. asks,
"How much will it cost?" The UNC Art School graduate
asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Being Mocked:
The Essence Of
Christ's Work,
Not Muhammad's
What we saw in the past few weeks in the Islamic demonstrations
over the Danish cartoons of Muhammad was another vivid depiction
of the difference between Muhammad and Christ, and what it means
to follow each. Not all Muslims approve the violence. But a deep lesson
remains: The work of Muhammad is based on being honored and the
work of Christ is based on being insulted. This produces two very
different reactions to mockery.
If Christ had not been insulted, there would be no salvation. This was
His saving work: to be insulted and die to rescue sinners from the wrath
of God. Already in the Psalms the path of mockery was promised: “All
who see me mock me; they make mouths at Me; they wag their heads”
(Psalm 22:7). “He was despised and rejected by men . . . as one from whom
men hide their faces . . . and we esteemed Him not” (Isaiah 53:3).
Are Stay at Home Moms
"Letting Down the Team?"
Are stay at home moms a threat to civilization? Those of you
who are shocked by this question should take note of the fact
that ABC's " Good Morning America" program devoted seg -
ments to this question on two successive days, featuring the
arguments of Linda Hirshman, a prominent feminist thinker.
"I am saying an educated, competent adult's place is in the office,"
Hirshman told "Good Morning America." In other words, moms
who stay at home with their children have given themselves to a
calling that no educated or competent adult should desire or accept.
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