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(Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
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"How to Be Sure You're a REAL Christian" 1-888-NEED-HIM (24/7 - free call)
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The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use...
So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone.
I noticed he was just standing there, not saying a word. Four more minutes went by, and he still wasn't saying anything...
Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone; just for minute... I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.
"Just hold on, buddy!" he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
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"Good, the more, communicated, more abundant grows."
One of the reasons for the success of the internet is its open, peer-to-peer nature. All computers on the internet are equal, and in the past it hasn't mattered whether your computer is a 386 in Nguru on the end of a satellite phone or a big monster in a New York rack. If that ever changes, I think we will lose part of the essential, vital character of the internet. Doug Winter
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Actor Mel Gibson on what women want ..... "After about twenty years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate."
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People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anybody who rested to death?
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Cats and Dogs
DOG -- These people give me food, clean water, a bed, a house to live in and unconditional love, they must be really special.
CAT -- These people give me food, clean water, a bed, a house to live in and unconditional love, I must be really special.
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Q. What does it mean when all the socks in the laundry match, with none left over? A. You're now losing them in pairs!
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Two UNC girls were talking to each other and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful. "Well.. once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk and just soak in it."
So the UNC student went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."
"How much?" asked the farmer.
"Well quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
He asked, "Pasturized?" "No...just up to my neck."
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In his book, Renovation of the Heart, Dallas Willard observed, "Feelings make excellent servants, but terrible masters." In our culture, many slogans tell us our feelings should dictate how to live. If we feel bitter against another, we should allow that bitterness to burn. If we feel unimportant, we should run to music or substances to console the feelings. Feelings tell us where to go, what to say, and what to do.
Many addictive vices are more a matter of feelings than a matter of chemicals: compulsive shopping, pornography, alcohol, narcotics, gambling, gossip, selfishness, needing to be needed, wealth, video games, bossy behavior, and other vices that stem from feelings of fear and worthlessness. But vices are unable, by their very nature, to satisfy. Vices easily become things we habitually run to because they help us appease the enthroned dictator of our feelings.
But it isn't just the feelings of individuals. The feelings of society can also be masters. What about racism? When feelings become masters, people of all races feel the blow.
I was speaking with someone recently about society's feelings. She said, "Why can't we explain justice as a concept society created?" I asked her if she thought racism was wrong. "Yes," she said. I asked her if society thought it was wrong one hundred years ago. "No." I asked her if Martin Luther King was a good guy. "Yes." I asked her if Martin Luther King learned that racism was wrong from his society. "No." Then with an expression of discovery, she said, "Oh, I see. Well, it does seem that people do know what justice is in the back of their minds, even if they ignore it."
Feelings make terrible masters. But feelings make excellent servants. In the life of David, the young man is pursued by the envious King Saul who is trying to kill him. David cries out to God to be delivered from cruelty and injustice. Then with God's ironic timing, Saul steps vulnerably into a cave for a moment. David huddles in the shadows of that cave, remembering his prayers. How does David feel? Alone, unimportant, afraid, rejected. Though all of his feelings were real and justified, David allowed them to be servants. And they drove him to God.
David showed mercy when his feelings wanted to lead him to vengeance. He declared, "I will not lift my hand against my master, because he is the Lord's anointed." (Footnote 1: 1 Samuel 24:10) You see, David was a man who developed a habit of seeking after God and was more concerned about God's kingdom than his own. He directed his feelings of loneliness, fear, and rejection to point him to a proper place. If his feelings were masters, David may have pitifully altered the rest of his life. But by making feelings his servants, David responded well.
Have feelings controlled your actions today? Have you allowed your feelings to dictate poor lifestyle habits? Look at them with scrutiny. Why are they there? What do they mean? Let me encourage you to direct your feelings to point you to God. Be deliberate to develop a wise mind that habitually seeks after God and chooses what is good. Then we may say with David, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears…The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Footnote 2: Psalm 34:4, 18) Dale Fincher
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Hear about the UNC student who.............................?
* Can't make KoolAid because eight cups of water won't fit into one of those little packets...........?
* Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves...........?
* Two UNC stucents are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain, and the top is down."..........?
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, the first lawyer jams something in the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, the the first, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
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Trust in yourself and you are doomed to disappointment; trust in money and you may have it taken from you; but trust in God, and you are never to be confounded in time or eternity. - D.L. Moody
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Who is Jesus? (http://www.ccci.org/whoisjesus/interactive-journey/)
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One day at a trial, an eminent UNC staff psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."