A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: . . . "Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Read what you have time for below & save the residuum for a stormy/ blustery/dilatory interval while the charming/exquisite/vernal/ aestival season is bursting out all over. Our goal is to promote a non- threatening and productive office & university environment and to establish language that is gender- neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age- neutral while celebrating our spirit of diversity.
***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING*** This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered. A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just ahead for your divertissement!?!
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Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online, 'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including: B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., N.U.T., B.R.C. (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898 for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
'Thought & Humor' has been read in all 50 States, all 230 Countries, 7 Continents, Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
To find out how you can begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please call:
1-888-NEED HIM.
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Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues, friends, and family, and let them know they can subscribe by sending an e-mail to:
harvard_humor_club-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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Join the jollity by sending an e-mail to: harvard_humor_club-subscribe@yahoogroups.com (Place "SUBSCRIBE" in the subject). (Open To ALL - Even Your Roommate/mom/friend/professor)
You may subscribe ANY friend/family you wish to beguile/regale. They will be sent a confirmation warning them that smiles are in their future. (You may remain anonymous if you wish.)
Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!" First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997 Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture
=============== If you stop believing what your professor told you had to be true and if you start thinking for yourself you may come to some conclusions you hadn't expected. You may find the Bible makes more sense than you thought or were told to think. Allow yourself to be ruined, ruined with regard to what you always thought could be true. Can you believe what you don't understand? You and I believe everyday what we don't understand unless it comes to the issue of salvation. - - - Dr. Woodrow Kroll
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There is simply no historic foundation for the position that the Framers intended to build the 'wall of separation' that was constitutionalized in Everson. The 'wall of separation be- tween church and state' is a metaphor based on bad history, a metaphor which has proved useless as a guide to judging. It should be frankly and explicitly abandoned. - - - Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, William Rehnquist
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In 1796 the US Supreme Court issued this ruling, "By our form of government, the Christian religion is the established religion, and all sects and denominations of Christians are placed on equal footing." Some 57 years later, after Congress was petitioned to separate Christian principles from government, in 1853 the House Judiciary Committee issued their formal report, including these words: "In this age there is no substitute for Christianity. This was the religion of the founders of the republic, and they expected it to be the religion of their dependents. The great vital, conservative elements in our system is the belief of our people in the pure doctrines and divine truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ." - - - Dr. Gerald Beavan
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"It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God and to recognize the sublime truth announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord." -- President Abraham Lincoln
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Trust in yourself and you are doomed to disappointment; trust in money and you may have it taken from you; but trust in God, and you are never to be confounded in time or eternity. - D.L. Moody
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Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds. Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies into which they never enter and with their hand on the doorlatch they die outside. GK Chesterton
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Address Change
Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this electrifying autumn season should your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.) change. Subscribe your new address:
harvard_humor_club-subscribe@yahoogroups.com It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor' combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes, and Howdy...
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Permission is hereby granted for you to change all humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another of your choice from the list below:
1) French university students 2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley 3) Any accredited high school or middle school 4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits 5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops 6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring to NCSU, JSU, MSU, USC, UGA, or FSU.
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"How to Be Sure You're a REAL Christian"
1-888-NEED-HIM
(24/7 - free call)
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Depressed, Troubled, Worried??? Big Problems??? Want to talk with a LIVE trained counselor??? Want to get REAL help??? (FREE - English/Spanish)
I am trying here to prevent anyone from saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him [Jesus Christ]: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God."
That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic -- on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg -- or else he would be the Devil of Hell.
You must make your choice. Either this Man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse .... You can shut Him up for fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that option open to us. He did not intend to.
-- From Case for Christianity, by C.S. Lewis
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"Let every student be plainly instructed and earnestly pressed to consider well the main end of his life and studies is to know God and Jesus Christ which is eternal life (John 17:3)."
- - - The Laws and Statutes of Harvard College in 1643
"All scholars shall live religious, godly, and blameless lives according to the rules of God's Word, diligently reading the Holy Scriptures, the fountain of light and truth; and constantly attend upon all the duties of religion, both in public and secret."
- - - Two central requirements in Yale College 1745 charter
Click Here This government site offers access to historic documents. View the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights.
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'Thought & Humor' - often polemical but never tasteless/unrefined/uncouth/ribald.
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Please note: If you see a UNC student or liberal reading 'Thought & Humor', please explain to them which is thought & which is humor. They usually get it backwards.......
"Not being on the air, that's not important. But I'd like to be in the newsroom helping set the agenda."
Retired CBS Anchorman Walter Cronkite
{Dear Walter, Fair news knows no agenda - Howdy}
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God designed humans to want to believe in something. That's the image of God that is in us. But as G. K. Chesterton famously put it, when we reject the God of the Bible, we don't believe in nothing; we believe in everything -- including Little Green Men.
- - Chuck Colson
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Dear Howdy,
Thank you for your simply addicting newsletter...it's truly a candidate for the 8th wonder of the world and 1st candidate for the cyber-world... it just keeps blooming with more of what I need and, I think, what we all need...please keep up the great works!!!
Type atcha later...
God bless you,
Phil H WI
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Dear Howdy, Indeed I am a faithful Tarheel*, having both MA and Ph.D. from their fine chemistry department. But that doesn't keep me from getting a great kick out of the humor propagated by what appears to me to be a pack of wolves!!**
SERIOUSLY, THE HUMOR IS GREAT FUN BUT MY MAIN ATTRACTION WAS TO THE CONSERVATIVE MORAL AND POLITICAL STANCE THAT SEEMED TO CHARACTERIZE THE FIRST ISSUE I SAW. INCIDENTALLY (HE SAYS ACCIDENTALLY!), it was sent to me by a friend, so I really didn't "hear about you" at all, and still haven't. All I know is what has come in the two issues of the Newsletter I have seen. The best to you.
S. P.
*Another name for UNC. ** UNC's archrival - NCSU.
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Recommended by Prof Howdy for improving your life:
{Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line for more info - Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' in any way - but should be}
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Board of Advisors for 'Thought & Humor':
Did you know that 'Thought & Humor' has a distinguished Board of Advisors that are designed to be a cross section demographically of our readership as far as age, location, gender, marital status, education & occupation are concerned???
Bill - 50's - FL - Computer Operator for 911 System, V.P. - Archives Brenda - 50's - TX - University Administor, Married Caroline - 20's - FL - Married, University Student David - 50's - NJ - Businessman, Married Doug - 50's - TN - President of 501(c)(3) Corp, Married Ellen - 20's - NJ - University Student Emily - 30's - TN - Banker, Married Janet - 40's - MI - Married, Former Missionary to Arab Country Jerry - 80's - CA - Retired Theology Professor, Lobbyist, Author Jill - 50's - MN - Restaurant Owner, Married Jim - 40's - NM - Businessman, Married John - 50's - Peru - Pastor, Married Katie - 20's - NC - Teacher, Married to UNC Med Student Laura - 30's - NY - English Teacher Lisa - 40's - TN - Secretary, Married Marie - 60's - South Africa - Entrepreneur, Politician Mamie - 20's - GA - Elementary Teacher Milton - 19 - GA - College Student Phil - 50's WI - Handicapped Rob - 20's - NY - University Administor, Married Ruth - 50's - CA - Real Estate, Involved in Spanish Ministry Sarah - 20's - NC - UNC Student, Married Shirl - 60's - CO - Finance Manager - Married to Minister Steve - 40's - TX - Married, Computer Hardware Design Wanda - 40's - Asia - Married - Communist Country
Advisory meetings are held weekly via the internet and none receive monetary/pecuniary compensation for their extensive/capacious/voluminous expertise.
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Bible - God's Word to you in different languages...
"I believe the Bible is the best gift God has ever given to man. All the good from the Savior of the world is communicated to us through this book." -- President Abraham Lincoln
"For we must consider that we shall be as a City upon a hill. The eyes of all people are upon us. So that if we shall deal falsely with our God in this work we have undertaken, and so cause Him to withdraw his present help from us, we shall be made a story and a byword throughout the world." --John Winthrop, Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, 1630
"It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible." - President George Washington
"The Bible is no mere book, but a Living Creature, with a power that conquers all that oppose it." - Napoleon
"That Book accounts for the supremacy of England." - Queen Victoria
"If there is anything in my thought or style to commend , the credit is due my parents for instilling in me an early love of the Scriptures. If we abide by the principals taught in the Bible, our country will go on prospering and to prosper; but if we and our posterity neglect its instructions and authority, no man can tell how sudden a catastrophe may overwhelm us and bury all our glory in profound obscurity." - Daniel Webster (Founding Father)
"The Bible is worth all other books which have ever been printed." - Patrick Henry (original member of the Continental Congress)
"The Bible is the anchor of our liberties." - President U.S. Grant
"It is impossible to enslave mentally or socially a Bible-reading people. The principals of the Bible are the groundwork of human freedom." - Horace Greeley (Editor)
"That Book is the rock on which our Republic rests." - President Andrew Jackson
"In all my perplexities and distresses, the Bible has never failed to give me light and strength." - Gen. Robert E. Lee
"Bible reading is an education in itself." - Lord Tennyson (Poet)
"So great is my veneration for the Bible that the earlier my children begin to read it the more confident will be my hope that they will prove useful citizens of their country and respectable members of society. I have for many years made it a practice to read through the Bible once every year." - President John Quincy Adams
"The existence of the Bible, as a Book for the people, is the greatest benefit which the human race has ever experienced. Every attempt to belittle it is a crime against humanity." - Immanuel Kant (Philosopher)
"The New Testament is the very best Book that ever or ever will be known in the world." - Charles Dickens (Author)
"All human discoveries seem to be made only for the purpose of confirming more and more strongly the truths contained in the Sacred Scriptures." - Sir William Herschel (Astronomer)
"There are more sure marks of authenticity in the Bible than in any profane history." - Sir Isaac Newton (Scientist)
"Let mental culture go on advancing, let the natural sciences progress in even greater extent and depth, and the human mind widen itself as much as it desires; beyond the elevation and moral culture of Christianity, as it shines forth in the Gospels, it will not go." - Goethe (Author)
"I have known ninety-five of the world's great men in my time, and of these eight-seven were followers of the Bible. The Bible is stamped with a Specialty of Origin, and an immeasurable distance separates it from all competitors." - W.E. Gladstone (Prime Minister)
"Whatever merit there is in anything that I have written is simply due to the fact that when I was a chile my mother daily read me a part of the Bible and daily made me learn a part of it by heart." - John Ruskin (art critic and social commentator)
"The Bible has been the Magna Charta of the poor and oppressed. The human race is not in a position to dispense with it." - Thomas Huxley (Author & Scientist)
"The whole hope of human progress is suspended on the ever growing influence of the Bible." - W.H. Seward (Secretary of State)
"America was born a Christian nation. America was born to exemplify that devotion to the elements of righteousness, which are derived from the revelations of Holy Scriptures. Part of the destiny of Americans lies in their daily perusal of this great book of revelations. That if they would see America free and pure they will make their own spirits free and pure by this baptism of the Holy Spirit." --President Woodrow Wilson
For Christians, the life and death of Jesus are the ultimate expressions of love, and the supreme demonstrations of God's mercy, faithfulness, and redemption. Since Christ's miraculous Resurrection on Easter, more than 2,000 years ago, Christians have expressed joy and gratitude for this wondrous sacrifice and for God's promise of freedom for the oppressed, healing for the brokenhearted, and salvation. --President George W. Bush
"It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here." --Patrick Henry (original member of the Continental Congress)
=============== Q: Why is 'Thought & Humor' so long? A: All newspapers & magazines are long!
Q: What if I can't read all of it? A: Delete it. Most folks don't read every word in every newspaper/magazine either?
Q: Am I required to memorize each article? A: Nope! Delete what you don't have time for or save for another time.
Q: Is 'T & H' Spam? A: No, it's made entirely of ham.
Q: Can I forward to friends & family? A: Please do.
Q: How many people have had opportunity to read 'T & H' E-Mail Newspapers? A: Well over 1 million + many forwards by you.
Q: Who is Howdy? A: We let him think he's the boss...
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Take the best medicine of all for what ails you -- laughter:
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road." ~Henry Ward Beecher "Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects." --Arnold Glasow "Laughter is by definition healthy." --Doris Lessing "If somebody makes me laugh, I'm his slave for life." --Bette Midler "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." --Mark Twain "What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul." -- Yiddish Proverb "Laughter is an instant vacation." -- Milton Berle "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. (King Solomon)
NOTICE: The jokes published in this list were either submitted directly to 'Thought & Humor' or are, we believe, in the public domain. If you think that we have published a joke without giving proper credit to its author/owner, please let us know and we will provide appropriate credit in a future mailing.
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Four important things to KNOW:
1) For ALL (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) have sinned & fall short of the glory of God.
2) For the wages of above (see #1) are DEATH (Hell, eternal separation from God, & damnation) but the Gift (free & at no charge to you) of God (Creator, Jehovah, & Trinity) is Eternal Life (Heaven) through (in union with) Jesus Christ (God, Lord, 2nd Person of The Trinity, Messiah, Prince of Peace & Savior of the World).
3) For God so greatly loved & dearly prized the world (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) that He even gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, that whosoever (anyone, anywhere, anytime - while still living) believes (trust in, relies on, clings to, depends completely on) Him shall have eternal (everlasting) life (heaven).
4) Jesus said: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, & THE LIFE. No one (male/female - American, Muslim, Jew, Catholic, Hindu, Buddhist, Asian, Presbyterian, European, Baptist, Brazilian, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc. ) comes (arrives) to the Father (with GOD in Heaven) EXCEPT BY (through) ME (no other name).
This wonderful loving GOD gives you the choice - - - (Rev. 3:20) {Please note that church membership, baptism, doing good things, etc. are not requirements for becoming a Christian - however they are great afterwards!!!}
Jesus said, "Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction (Hell, damnation, eternal punishment), and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life (Heaven, eternal happiness, forever with God), and only a few find it. --Matthew 7:13-14
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The "E-Mail Newspaper" containing 'Thought & Humor' is sent out FREE via e-mail w/o ads. This information was sent to you because you made the request, 'Thought & Humor' is one small attempt to obey "The Great* Com- mission". First published in the last century (July 26, 1997). Soli Deo Gloria... ________ "E-Mail Newspaper (Free4u)" _________ References gleaned for great humor & information: Merry Heart, Thomas S. Elworth, Funny List, MeMail, Daily Dose, Joke of the Day, Kim Komando, MIKEY'S FUNNIES , The Daily Tease, Crosswalk.com, CLEAN LAFFS & Gophercentral.
Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
'Thought & Humor' respects your privacy and wishes to honor your desires to not receive e-mail from us if that's your choice, and we apologize if any message causes any inconvenience to you or your computer. We have never given any reader's e-mail addresses to a third party & have no plans to do such unless the price is right:o) (Liberals please note - that was humor) The E-Mail Newspaper is sent to you with love.
But indeed for this purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My Name may be declared in all the earth. Ex 9:16