UNC Medical Dictionary ------------------------------------
01. Benign: What you be after you be eight. 02. Artery: The study of paintings. 03. Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria. 04. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. 05. Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome. 06. CAT scan: Searching for kitty. 07. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. 08. Colic: A sheep dog. 09. Coma: A punctuation mark. 10. D & C: Where Washington is. 11. Dilate: To live long. 12. Enema: Not a friend. 13. Fester: Quicker than someone else. 14. Fibula: A small lie. 15. G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball. 16. Hangnail: Where you put your coat. 17. Impotent: Distinguished, well-known. 18. Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work. 19. Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane. 20. Morbid: A higher offer than I made. 21. Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates. 22. Node: I knew it. 24. Outpatient: A person who has fainted. 25. Pap Smear: A lie about someone's father. 26. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis. 27. Post Operative: A letter carrier. 28. Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery. 29. Rectum: Darn near killed him. 30. Secretion: Hiding something. 31. Seizure: Roman emperor. 32. Tablet: A small table. 33. Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. 34. Tumor: More than one. 35. Urine: Opposite of you're out. 36. Varicose: Near by/close by.
Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!" First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997 Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God and to recognize the sublime truth announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord." -- President Abraham Lincoln
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. --Proverbs 31:30
In 1995, the average U.S. public school contained 72 computers.
Bats are voracious insect eaters, devouring as many as 600 bugs per hour for 4 to 6 hours a night. They can eat from one-half to three-quarters their weight per evening. Bats are also important plant pollinators, particularly in the southwestern U.S.
A SAD HOLIDAY
Theodore Roosevelt's wife and mother both died on Valentine's Day - February 14, 1884.
Actor James Stewart attained the highest U.S. military rank in history for an entertainer. Mr. Stewart rose to the rank of brigadier general in the U.S. Air Force Reserve.
If you stop believing what your professor told you had to be true and if you start thinking for yourself you may come to some conclusions you hadn't expected. You may find the Bible makes more sense than you thought or were told to think. Allow yourself to be ruined, ruined with regard to what you always thought could be true. Can you believe what you don't understand? You and I believe everyday what we don't understand unless it comes to the issue of salvation. - - - Dr. Woodrow Kroll
It helps to be on the cutting edge
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. --Psalm 139
Permission is hereby granted for you to change all humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another of your choice from the list below:
1) French university students 2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley 3) Any accredited high school or middle school 4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits 5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops 6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring to Duke, NCSU, JSU, MSU. UGA, or FSU.
A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!! Howdy's address: firstname.lastname@example.org
"Thought & Humor" has been read in all 50 States, 70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations, Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II.
"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."
The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance.
There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.
If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them), send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:
Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country). All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not be shown.
Howdy- I was wondering if you could send me some of your "though and humor." My mom gets it and I always read it and crack up. So, if you wouldn't mind sending it to me, that would be great!
P.S. I'm a sophomore (15) and I live in the boonies of MAINE!! yeah, it's great:)
Hi, I get your newsletter (not sure how I got on the list, but that's ok) - the last one was way too big (over 700k), is there anyway you can make it smaller?
Thanks alot, Tammy Wilson Asheville, NC
Help - I have too much to share - should I go to twice a week???
Your Devoted Friend, Howdy
P.S. If this color version is to difficult for your ISP or computer, Text-Only version of 'Thought & Humor' is available by sending an e-mail to:
I DID NOT WISH TO BE UNSUBSCRIBED!! I WHO READ EVERY WORD IN YOUR THOUGHT & HUMOR AM NOT IN THE CIRCLE ANY LONGER?? THIS IS A HEINOUS CRIME IF THERE EVER WAS ONE!
I love what you do! It's a great ministry for today's world. Some people only make themselves reachable by way of computer, and you have figured that out. Good job spreading God's word!
Keep up the good work!
Dear Howdy, please note Romans 8: 17-18. "For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. (If that's not Howdy being spoken of, I'm crazy) For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men." (Remarkable how this speaks about Howdy.)
And I Cor 8:1-3: " . . . we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity (love) edifieth. And if any man think that he knoweth anything, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know. (Now that really talks about your friend!) But if any man love God, the same is known of him." (Right back to speaking about Howdy.)
J.B. (San Diego)
Hello Howdy, You're a whole lot smarter than all the pictures of you in T&H would indicate. Jerry (California)
Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...
It must have felt like a scene from the book and the movie called "The Perfect Storm." Their vessel was a 61-year-old wooden fishing boat, making the Inside Passage from Sitka, Alaska to Port Angeles, Washington. It was supposed to be a one-week trip. Well, it was late in the season -- a time of year when wild storms can develop, sinking ships and taking lives. Sure enough, their boat hit hurricane-force winds that threatened to take them all to the bottom. At one point when green water washed over the pilothouse and the boat plunged for what seemed to be the bottom, one passenger heard the captain mutter beneath his breath. But as this 30-year veteran of Alaska's ferocious storms worked the wheel, he turned to his passenger, and he smiled and said, "No problem." No matter how vicious the storm became, no matter how perilous the situation seemed, the captain remained calm -- and he helped steady his very frightened passengers. Oh, and they made it.
A calm captain who has been through these fearful storms before, who knows everything will be okay at the end of the day, who has brought so many others safely through. Now, that's what makes the difference when it feels as if the storm is going to sink you. If you belong to Jesus Christ, you have such a Captain! That's why the writer of "Amazing Grace" could write: "Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come. 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."
Right now you may be going through a storm that has shaken everything you have. Sometimes it feels like you're headed for the bottom. You're afraid. You're discouraged. You're panicked and desperate. You need to get close to the Captain of your life right now and remember who's piloting your boat. Unless, of course, you've grabbed the wheel from the Captain -- or jumped overboard in panic.
The Old Testament hero Daniel knew well what it was like to be hit by life's hurricanes. As a boy, he had been forcibly moved by invaders from his country to the strange country and culture of Babylon. He faced the demands of a pagan culture and even the death sentence of a lion's den -- from which, of course, his God delivered him. In Daniel 7, where we find our word for today from the Word of God, he has just been given by God this frightening prophetic vision of the turbulent world that was to come -- with images of a ravenous lion, a vicious bear, an unescapable leopard, and a rapacious beast that crushes and devours everything it touches.
Then, the Bible says in verse 9, "Thrones were set in place, and the Ancient of Days took His seat ... thousands upon thousands attended Him; ten thousand times ten thousand stood before Him." Then the Son of Man approaches that throne and "He was given authority, glory and sovereign power; all peoples, nations and men of every language worshiped Him ... His kingdom is one that will never be destroyed." So let the lion roar, the bear threaten, the leopard pursue, the beast devour -- there is a Throne with authority over every beast, every storm, every disease, every enemy, every tragedy -- and your awesome Lord sits on that throne. There is not one thumb-breadth of this universe that is not under His control! And whatever has come into your life has had to pass through His hand first. And He loves you and knows what you need and what you can handle -- so long as He is at the wheel.
A friend of mine tells of years of struggle with violent storms that hit his family. He said it was as if God kept falling off His throne. Well, He never has and He never will. And He's in command at this moment. Relax in His sovereign control. He's brought every one of His children in every generation through every storm, and He'll bring you through. The storm won't decide what happens to you -- your Captain will!
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Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age. In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket. Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tips them in the lion's cage at feeding time. "My cow," roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again."
Your very own library
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"Why Going to Heaven is So Easy - and So Hard" Matthew 18:2-3
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Children can be so refreshing. They tell it like it is, and they often see it like it is better than grownups do. Our little granddaughter has been asking questions about Jesus for the past several months. One thing her parents have repeatedly explained to her is how Jesus cleans our hearts from the sins we've done. Because she's young, Mom and Dad haven't pushed; they've just responded to her natural questions. A few days ago, she told her daddy that she was, in her words, "afraid of sin." That's not a bad thing to be afraid of. The next day she said, "Daddy, I want to ask Jesus in my heart." And in her simple, childlike way, that's exactly what she did. Not long afterwards, she joyfully said, "Grandma, I have Jesus in my heart." Grandma told her what a happy thing that was. Then Grandma began to talk about how Mommy has Jesus in her heart, Daddy has Jesus in his heart, her Grandma and Granddad, her aunt and uncle. Suddenly she began to shake her head. She said, "No, no! , no! Only children have Jesus!"
I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about "Why Going to Heaven is So Easy - and So Hard."
I'm grateful Jesus made it clear that He's for everyone, old and young and everyone in between. But there's something Jesus did say about belonging to Him that actually validates some of the spirit of our little granddaughter's insight. His words, recorded in Matthew 18:2-3, our word for today from the Word of God, give to us so-smart grownups something to think about.
The Bible says, "He called a little child and had him stand among them. And He said, 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Now when Jesus makes something a requirement for going to heaven when we die, we need to pay attention. We need to try to understand what He's saying.
Instead of children having to be grownup to begin a relationship with Jesus, we grownups have to become like little children. What does that mean? A little child instinctively knows that he needs someone bigger. A child looks for the hand of someone bigger, the help of someone bigger, the direction of someone bigger. And a child operates on the basis of simply trusting that someone bigger who loves them. They'll trustingly go wherever that person takes them, trustingly believe whatever that person tells them. And it is that kind of total trust and total dependency on Jesus Christ that gets you into "the kingdom of heaven."
John 3:16, one of the foundation verses of the Bible, says "whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." And that means abandoning any other hope of having your sins forgiven because only Jesus died to pay for them. But that's a problem for us grownup people. Our pride keeps us from admitting that all our goodness is useless as currency to get us into heaven. If your goodness was enough, Jesus would have never gone through the agony of His cross. And over the years we learn "un-trust," because of how humans are. So we'll agree with Jesus, but we won't throw ourselves on Jesus as our only hope. The reason it's so easy to go to heaven is also the reason it's so hard - you just put all your trust in Jesus.
Often, in His love, God will send or allow a situation that's totally beyond our control. He'll allow us to hit a wall so we'll realize what children realize so instinctively. We desperately need someone bigger. We need heaven's Prince who died in our place. The question is not, "Do you agree with Jesus?" or "Do you like Jesus?" But have you ever grabbed Jesus with both hands as your only hope of getting right with God? If not, in Jesus' words, "you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Today, you can change that and, in so doing, change where you will spend eternity. It's a matter of reaching up for Jesus' hands with the simple trust of a little child reaching for the hand of his Daddy. I would love to help you take that step if that's what you want. I've got a simple explanation of how to begin with Jesus Christ at our website. It's yoursforlife.net. Or I'll send you a printed copy of Yours For Life if you'll just call for it at 877-741-1200.
Isn't it time to look to Jesus and say, "I can't, You can, and I'm Yours?" When you do, you're finally safe all the way from here to heaven.
If you're not sure you belong to Jesus, and you would like to make sure today, Ron would like to send to you a free copy of the booklet, "Yours for Life: How to Have Life's Most Important Relationship." To read it online, click here: http://www.yoursforlife.net/
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"A Word With You" by Ron Hutchcraft is a daily radio challenge, with slice-of-life illustrations and insights - providing practical help on the issues that matter most. If your local Christian radio station does not air "A Word With You," please let them know how much you value this program. Over six years of transcripts are available online, at http://rhm.gospelcom.net/awwy.php
Father J.L. Menezes knew Islam up close: as a missionary in India, he devoted his priestly life to introducing that nation's tens of millions of Muslims to Christianity. In The Life and Religion of Mohammed, he left us the record of his appeals: a frank, honest, and exhaustively researched exploration of the life of the "prophet" of Islam, the development and contents of the Koran, and an introduction to various Muslim sects.
Working from the earliest Islamic sources, Fr. Menezes provides a complete account of Mohammed's life, from his days as a simple merchant to his triumphs as a leader of armies and revered prophet. Menezes delved so deeply into his subject that he was even able to describe Mohammed's physical appearance. He explains why Mohammed couldn't possibly be a true prophet, and reveals the true sources of his "revelations."
Fr. Menezes could be writing about today's Muslim terrorists when he explains that "Mohammed posed as the apostle of God, the seal of the prophets; as the destroyer of idolatry; as preacher of one true God, and the reformer of morals: while his life is marked by innumerable marriages; and great licentiousness, deeds of rapine, warfare, conquests, unmerciful butcheries, all the time invoking God's holy name to sanction his evil deeds, ordering prayers and alms deeds and at the same time propagating Islam everywhere by fire and sword."
Turning to the Koran, Fr. Menezes delineates the distinctive teachings of Islam, explaining the elements of the Muslim holy book that make it so difficult for Muslims to convert to Christianity -- and showing how the Koran, when read honestly and without Islamic preconceptions, nonetheless depends upon and leads to Christianity.
The Life and Religion of Mohammed concludes with an "appeal to candor and common sense," inviting Muslims to think critically about their religion, and to embrace Christ instead. With Islam on the march everywhere and Muslims streaming into the U.S. in record numbers, the candor, common sense, and solid Christian faith of this book are needed more than ever.
Your guide into the dark mind of Mohammed includes:
The bizarre circumstances of Mohammed's "revelations": "it was a painful sight to behold the nervousness of his features, the distortion of his countenance and the anxiety of mind portrayed on his face"
How worldly ambition gradually blinded Mohammed's mind and overwhelmed his early searches for the true God
How Mohammed borrowed many of his ideas of Paradise from contemporary Jews and Christians -- and mixed them with base and lewd imaginings
How Mohammed again and again justified his rapine and licentiousness with new "divine revelations"
Why Mohammed adopted -- and later discarded -- many Jewish customs and ritual observances
Islamic tolerance: Mohammed let Jews and Christians live in his domains -- if they paid tribute and accepted second-class status
What the Koran really teaches about Christianity and Christ
What Mohammed learned from heretical Christian sects -- and incorporated into the Koran
The early history of Islam: just as bloody as the life of its founder
How the Koran doesn't limit Muslims to four wives, as is widely believed, but actually sets no real limit
Why the new religion Mohammed taught became so commonly identified with war and politics
The hard-to-find The Life and Religion of Mohammed...
The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam (and the Crusades) by Robert Spencer
When PC propagandists assure us that jihadist terror doesn't reflect "true," "peaceful" Islam, they're not only wrong, they're dangerous -- because they lull America and the West into letting their guard down against their mortal enemy. And not only do self-appointed "experts" lie elaborately and persistently about Islam -- they have also replaced the truth about Christian Europe and the Crusades with an all-pervasive historical fantasy that is designed to make you ashamed of your own culture and heritage -- and thus less determined to defend it. But now there's a remedy: in The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam (and the Crusades), Robert Spencer reveals all the disturbing facts about Islam and its murderous hostility to the West that other books ignore, soft-pedal -- or simply lie about. This book is a unique guide to the bloody teachings and history of Islam, and to the Crusades that still stand today as the Western world's most sustained and successful defense against the warrior hordes who were inspired by those teachings.
Guests of the Ayatollah: The First Battle in America's War with Militant Islam by Mark Bowden
On November 4, 1979, a group of radical Islamist students inspired by the Ayatollah Khomeini stormed the U.S. embassy in Tehran. They took fifty-two Americans hostage, and kept nearly all of them hostage for 444 days. Now, from the best-selling author of Black Hawk Down, comes a definitive, you-are-there chronicle of America's first battle with militant Islam. In Guests of the Ayatollah: The First Battle in America's War with Militant Islam, Mark Bowden tells this sweeping story through the eyes of the hostages, the soldiers in a new special forces unit sent to free them, their radical captors, and the diplomats working to end the crisis. Based on five years of research -- including numerous trips to Iran and countless interviews with those involved on both sides -- Guests of the Ayatollah is a detailed, brilliantly re-created, and suspenseful account of a crisis that is now more relevant than ever.
Victory in Tripoli: How America's War with the Barbary Pirates Established the U.S. Navy and Shaped a Nation by Joshua E. London
At the dawn of a new century, a newly elected U.S. president was forced to confront a series of unprovoked attacks on Americans by Muslim terrorists sworn to carry out jihad against all Western powers. Timely and familiar as this may sound, the president was Thomas Jefferson, and the terrorists were North Africa's Barbary pirates. Now, in Victory in Tripoli: How America's War with the Barbary Pirates Established the U.S. Navy and Shaped a Nation, Joshua E. London relates the dramatic story of this mostly forgotten chapter of American history, revealing important parallels with today's war against global Islamic jihad.
The Force of Reason by Oriana Fallaci
Europe is rapidly being lost to Islam, says Oriana Fallaci, and the free world seems neither to notice nor to care. Fallaci, the world-famous journalist whose The Rage and the Pride was a stirring post-September 11 manifesto of resistance to the global jihad, now follows up that international bestseller with The Force of Reason. This new book is a powerfully written, deeply felt call to all people who value freedom to take notice of what's happening to Europe before it's too late. Unrestricted immigration is allowing the totalitarian, supremacist ideology of Islamic jihad to take root there -- and the end result could be the total conquest and Islamization of the very nations in which Christendom first grew and flourished.
Iran may force color-IDs on Jews, Christians [Excerpts]
WASHINGTON -- Iran's parliament [recently] passed a new law that would force the country's Jews, Christians and other religious minorities to wear color-coded ID badges to designate them as non-Muslims in a move that heralds broader faith-based persecution.
Iranian expatriates confirmed reports the Iranian parliament, or majlis, has approved a law that would require the roughly 25,000 Jews living in the Islamic Republic to attach a yellow strip of cloth to their clothing; Christians would wear red badges and Zoroastrians would wear blue ones.
The law further mandates that non-Muslims adhere to a dress code under which they wear "standard Islamic garments" that remove ethnic and class distinctions, the Canadian National Post reported Friday. The purpose would be to prevent Muslims from shaking the hands of "unclean" non-Muslims in public.
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran's supreme leader and highest authority, must approve the law for it to take effect. If ratified, it could take effect as early as next year.
"This is reminiscent of the Holocaust," said Rabbi Marvin Hier, head of the Simon Weisenthal Center in Los Angeles. "Iran is moving closer and closer to the ideology of the Nazis."