Can you figure out the riddles relating the person and the agreeable element in their diet?
For example: What would an equivocator eat for breakfast? A waffle!
1. What do golfers enjoy in their salads? 2. What do anatomy specialists have for dinner? 3. What vegetables do goldsmiths eat? 4. What icy treat do gamblers love more than anything? 5. What dish do you serve when you need a favor?
6. What did the quality-control expert refuse to eat? 7. What was the cheerleader's favorite beverage? 8. What was the loner's favorite fish? 9. What did the Scandinavian cannibal eat for dinner? 10. What is Lassie's favorite vegetable?
11. What do ministers eat for dessert? 12. What does the Psychiatrist like to snack on after dinner? 13. What is a photographer's favorite canape? 14. What do plumbers eat as a first course? 15. What is an amateur radio operator's favorite snack?
16. What does an educator eat for lunch? 17. What breakfast cereal does a magician eat for breakfast? 18. What cereal do British gents eat for breakfast? 19. What does a cosmetics manufacturer eat for breakfast? 20. What is a surveyor's favourite cut of meat?
If you stop believing what your professor told you had to be true and if you start thinking for yourself you may come to some conclusions you hadn't expected. You may find the Bible makes more sense than you thought or were told to think. Allow yourself to be ruined, ruined with regard to what you always thought could be true. Can you believe what you don't understand? You and I believe everyday what we don't understand unless it comes to the issue of salvation. - - - Dr. Woodrow Kroll
One of the reasons for the success of the internet is its open, peer-to-peer nature. All computers on the internet are equal, and in the past it hasn't mattered whether your computer is a 386 in Nguru on the end of a satellite phone or a big monster in a New York rack. If that ever changes, I think we will lose part of the essential, vital character of the internet. Doug Winter
George had a girlfriend named Lorraine, who was very nasty toward him. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite attracted towards her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But George was a loyal man and he wouldn't date Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine stated that SHE wanted to date someone else. George stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
A UNC chemistry professor asked students in his Chemistry 101 Class: "Anyone know the formula for water?" "Sure. That's easy," said one student. "What is it?" "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O." "What, what?" reasked the instructor. "H to O," explained the freshman.
Eighty year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have a date with me tonight!!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
In a question and answer period after one of his lectures, C.S. Lewis was asked which of the world's religions gives its followers the greatest happiness. Lewis paused and said this: "While it lasts, the religion of worshipping oneself is best."
No doubt each word in his response was selected carefully, for he gently challenged the assumptions of the questioner. When happiness is identified as the most important thing, it is the self we seek above all else. And by alluding to this in terms of worship and religion, Lewis makes a wholly accurate point. For it is steeped in an age-old creed, the creed which states that by jettisoning the Divine, by getting out from under the tyrannical arm of God, we are wholly free to pursue that which is pleasing, and that which we please. In this lies the danger, for even in matters of enormous consequence we may seek that which will make us happy, and not necessarily that which is true. Man becomes his own god, the measure of all things. And yet reality, as Lewis alludes, doesn't seem to back this theory up. "While it lasts," he says. Indeed, self-satisfaction wrought at the expense of all else is fleeting—unreachable, or unfulfilling. Instead of happiness, we more readily find boredom and depression.
While worship of the self is readily tried, upon the altars of this religion we find that much is sacrificed: truth for one, pleasure as it was intended for another, but also ironically, the very self we were aiming to please in the first place. (One immediately thinks of Oscar Wilde's poignant depiction of Dorian Gray.) So then, will we conclude that the self is not, in fact, the most important thing? That the foundation upon which I have asked the question in the first place is faulty? Unfortunately, more often we do not.
In this is my point. Even when we are faced with empirical evidence that shows the inadequacy of certain truths we live by, rarely do we look at the underlying suppositions that led us to embrace the truth in the first place. It is hard to go back to our foundational assumptions and start over; it is easier to keep walking with our assumptions firmly intact.
This is one of the most uniquely fascinating things about Jesus Christ. As a teacher, He worked within the assumptions of the individual and the individual's worldview. That is, to the questions of many, He responded with a question of His own. To the paralytic man at the pool waiting to be healed, He asked, "Do you want to get well?" (Footnote 1: John 5:1-14) At once this seems ridiculous. And yet, how often we find those who do actually seem to prefer their pain.
Again, to the rich young ruler who asked, "Good teacher what must I do to inherit the kingdom?" Jesus asked, "Why do you call Me good? There is none good but God." (Footnote 2: Luke 18:18-19) Namely, are you willing to receive an answer to your question as one from God? His words probe deeply into the places of our minds we have taken for granted, concepts we are conditioned to accept without further thought, assumptions that have grown invisible to our own eyes.
The book of Proverbs states, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." (Footnote 3: Proverbs 20:5) I believe Jesus Christ is that Man. He is Truth and Wisdom incarnate, the One who draws out our purposes in plain view. Will we examine then, our purposes and assumptions and follow after Him accordingly? Or will we walk away empty and uncertain like the rich young ruler? These are questions we must answer carefully.
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From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
In my day, we didn't have television. We had to tape shows on our VCR's until T.V.'s came along.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds. Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies into which they never enter and with their hand on the doorlatch they die outside. GK Chesterton
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty disease called T.P.A.H.
It's a combination of T.B., pneumonia, Alzheimer, and hepatitis!"
"Oh my," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can get under the door."
Who is Jesus? (http://www.ccci.org/whoisjesus/interactive-journey/)
I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you... that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according Scriptures. --1 Corinthians 15
December 24, 1808 One of the best-loved Christmas carols, "Silent Night" (Stille Nacht), was first performed in a church in Oberndorf, Austria. The words were written by the Rev. Joseph Mohr and the music by Franz Xaver Gruber, the organist and choir director of the church.
"Silent Night" has been translated into 300 languages:
SEE THE GUTENBERG BIBLE ONLINE One of only five copies of the Gutenberg Bible in the United States is at the University of Texas in Austin. Gutenberg, the father of movable type, completed this copy in 1454 or 1455. It's pretty cool. See it at: http://www.hrc.utexas.edu/exhibitions/permanent/gutenberg/html/8.html
KIDS' SITE: PLANE MATH ACTIVITIES http://www.planemath.com/activities/pmactivitiesall.html Learn about aviation and pioneers. Experiment with wind velocity and true headings to land planes safely. Lots of fun!
Once a UNC grad was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the UNC grad deserved more service. So, when the UNC grad fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the UNC grad was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. "What's the matter?" Says his wife He replied, "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year!
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Clay, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Clay! It's just a stage you're going through!"
In June, European Union governments met in Greece to discuss the coordination of the EU immigration policy. One of the results of the summit was an agreement to include biometric data in computer chips embedded in "smart" passport cards. Last, week deputy assistant secretary for the United States Passport Services Frank Moss also announced US plans for implementing biometric data in US issued passports.
The European Commission has set its timetable according to the United States ’ Enhanced Border Security and Visa Entry Reform Act of 2002, which mandates that those countries whose citizens are free to travel to the US without a visa "must issue passports with biometric identifiers no later than Oct. 26, 2004."
"Smart" cards - cards containing computer chips that store personal information - are finding widespread use in the United States and around the world. Not only are they used as government ID cards, but many credit cards, television set top decoders and cell phones also contain "smart" capability.
Now, Europe and the US will fade out the old paper passports and will replace them with smart cards that include biometric information stored on "contactless" computer chips. Contactless chips transmit data via low-power radio frequency rather than by direct contact like magnetic stripe cards. US issued passport cards will include a digital facial scan and digital signature as means of verifying identification. Europe's passports will include fingerprints and possibly retinal scan information.
The US is working closely with the International Civil Aviation Organization (ICAO) to make sure that all countries involved use the same standards and specifications. "We want a globally interoperable system," Frank Moss said.
The US and Europe are not alone, however. Malaysians who travel frequently to Brunei, Thailand, Singapore and the Philippines will be able to use their smart national citizen card, MyKad, as acceptable identification to enter these countries. Malaysia officially launched MyKad as a national ID card on Sept 5, 2001, less than a week before the bombings in Washington DC and New York, and the system has generated a great deal of interest since. The MyKad card includes "the citizen identification, driver's license, Touch N' Go service, public key infrastructure (PKI) application to verify user's identity over the Internet and e-cash for secure online transactions, auto-teller machine (ATM) services for banking transactions, health data storage and passport number for travel identification." Syria and other Middle East countries have investigated the MyKad program and the Asian country of Myanmar is implementing a pilot program.
As smart card technologies become more popular around the globe, and increasingly more people are databased, it is easy to see how the Beast in Revelation 13 will be able to implement a system in which nobody can buy or sell unless wearing the appropriate "mark." May God give His saints wisdom when that time comes. http://www.khouse.org/
Notice: If you see a UNC student or a liberal reading 'Thought & Humor', please explain to them which is thought & which is humor. They always get it backwards....... ===============
January 27, 1926 Scottish inventor John Logie Baird demonstrated for the first time a mechanical television called "televisor" in London. Baird's invention used rotating disks that divided the image into horizontal lines. Later this was done electronically with a cathode ray tube. Baird was so ahead of his time that before he died in 1946, he drafted plans for a television with 1,000 lines of resolution, something that only came into being in 1990.
More on the mechanical television: http://www.mztv.com/baird.html
AMERICA ARCHIVED http://www.archives.gov/ This government site offers access to historic documents. View the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights.
For all those born before 1945 ------------------------------------
Consider all the changes we have witnessed .....
We were born before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contact lens, Frisbees and the PILL.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In out time closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousin.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer Space was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guys wearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togetherness and hardware and software weren't even words.
In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you had one) was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the differences between the sexes was discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And, we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap to-day.
BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
Passing an office building late one night, a UNC student saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the UNC student, "what do you want?" "I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
REAFFIRMING THE BIBLE'S AUTHORITY
Many people today attack the authority of God's Word. They throw out certain passages and question many others. How should we respond to such attacks?
Charles Spurgeon responded this way: "Defend the Word of God? Might as well defend a lion." It doesn't need any defense. We can confidently follow the footsteps of godly men and women throughout the ages in acknowledging the Bible's authority.
Jesus Christ Himself recognized the Scriptures as God's Word. He made a point of quoting supposedly controversial or "hard-to-believe" passages in the Old Testament just to attest to their historical accuracy. The Lord referred to the creation story (Matthew 19:4-6; Mark 10:2-9; 13:19), Noah and the flood (Matthew 24:36-39; Luke 17:26-27), and Lot and the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah (Matthew 10:15; Luke 10:12; 17:28-30).
Jesus even referred to the Old Testament account of Jonah (Matthew 12:40-41; 16:4). Many people today laugh at the story of Jonah and shrug it off as a fairy tale or bedtime story for little children. Why? Because according to what knowledge they have about science, it is impossible for a whale to swallow a man and then vomit him alive out of his belly after three days.
First of all, the Bible doesn't say Jonah was swallowed by a whale, but rather by a great fish (Jonah 1:17). More importantly, the historical account is recorded in the Bible, and Jesus said it happened. If Jesus believed it, why shouldn't we believe it too?
The Bible clearly states, "All Scripture is God-breathed" (2 Timothy 3:16). John R.W. Stott explains the importance of this declaration for us this way: "The meaning then is not that God breathed into the writings to give them their special character, but that what was written by men was breathed by God. He spoke through them. These were his spokesmen."
The very words of Scripture are inspired by God. Someone has said, "You can as easily have music without notes, or mathematics without figures, as thoughts without words." Inspiration applies to every part of the Bible and to the Bible as a whole--not just to the "thoughts" it conveys to a reader.
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished" (Matthew 5:18). He guarantees even the most minute parts of it!
The early church fathers also asserted the authority of the Bible. Augustine declared, "Let us therefore yield ourselves and bow to the authority of the Holy Scriptures, which can neither err nor deceive."
Why should we cower before the attacks of certain critics of the Bible? As God's children, we need submit only to Him and His authoritative Word. Scripture is the standard by which we should measure everything else.
Three UNC students walk into a bar and order a round of shooters. The bartender brings the drinks over and one student says, "Alright, 51 days." They all clink glasses and pound back their drinks. When the bartender brings the next round, one of the other female students says, "Alright, 51 days." They all clink glasses and pound back their drinks. The bartender comes back again with the next round and the third woman says, "Alright, 51 days." They all clink glasses and again, pound back their drinks. At this point, the bartender's curiosity takes over and he asks what the celebration is about. One of the UNC students says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 4 years, and we did it in 51 days!"
JERUSALEM - WORLD CAPITAL?
In 1947, the UN General Assembly partitioned Palestine into Jewish and Arab states. Jerusalem itself was to belong to neither side, but was instead to be an international city. This idea was short lived as the 1948-49 war led to Israel's taking the western part of the city and Jordan the eastern side. Jerusalem remained divided until the 1967 war, when Israel took control of the entire city and declared a united Jerusalem its capital.
The international community has refused to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, and while the US Congress has called for moving the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, political reasons have prevented the move. The Arab world has also rejected Israeli claims to Jerusalem and has supported the Palestinian demand that eastern Jerusalem be part of a future Palestinian state. Late last year, Yasser Arafat signed into law a bill naming all of Jerusalem as the Palestinian capital. However, if neither side can reach an agreement on the status of Jerusalem, the Palestinians have indicated they would support the internationalizing of all Jerusalem.
While the Vatican, members of the European Union and the UN have endorsed this idea, Israel has always rejected the concept. However, comments by former Prime Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres last week indicate that the internationalization of Jerusalem has been gaining wider acceptance in Israel. According to Peres spokesman Yoram Dori, "Peres' plan calls for declaring a holy area of sites sacred to Jews, Christians and Muslims in Jerusalem's old walled city as a world capital, with the UN Secretary-General serving as mayor while Israeli and Palestinian representatives would serve as his deputies." Peres believes this would ease religious tensions by giving the three major religions control over Jerusalem's holy places while the city remained under the control of one administrative authority. Peres has also suggested dividing the city into neighborhood administrative units where Palestinians and Israelis would remain under their own respective administrations.
Peres is currently the leader of the opposition Labor party and could possibly run against Sharon in any future elections.
"And in that day will I make Jerusalem a burdensome stone for all peoples; all that burden themselves with it shall be cut in pieces, though all the people of the earth be gathered together against it." - Zechariah 12:3
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L." TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.