1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper? 2. How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen? 3. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater? 4. Which would you rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes? 5. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. If they put them all together, how many do they have? 6. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal? 7. If the Vice President of the United States should die, who would be President? 8. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and-- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction--have the ball stop and come right back to you? 9. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS
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Permission is hereby granted for you to change all humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another of your choice from the list below:
1) French university students 2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley 3) Any accredited high school or middle school 4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits 5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoops 6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring to Duke, NCSU, JSU, Villanova, MSU. or Florida State.
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A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!! Howdy's address: harvard_humor_club-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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"Thought & Humor" has been read in all 50 States, 70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations, Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
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THE FATHER, THE ENEMY AND GOD by Prof. J. Budziszewski You keep asking tough questions, and Theophilus keeps answering. This week he tackles three.
If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them), send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:
(Letters from the past)
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Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country). All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not be shown.
Dear Howdy, I am enjoying all the "goodies" you send. Keep up the good work! From Betty
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Howdy, Thanks for the laughs.......... -Loren
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Dear Howdy,
Does the name Toby Keith mean anything to you? You really should start liking country music! He wrote the song called Courtesty of the Red, White, and Blue. It was a song written in response to Sept. 11 and about his dad losing his eye in the Vietnam war. He wrote it. He was supposed to appear on Peter Jenning's show and perform. Well, Pete heard that song and said that that song could not come on his show. Then Toby kept hearing from ABC(?) and the story kept changing. He refused to back down. At one showing he said, "Isn't he from Canada?" and talked about how he won't sing that song there but he could sing it here. I think this song was the #1 song on both charts (country and rock.)
He also has made the Dixie Chicks mad with his patriotism. That was really big too. Natalie Maines (the lead singer) wore a shirt that said FUTK after he won an award both were up for. The next day she claimed that stood for Freedom, Understanding, Tolerance, and Knowledge.
Neat!
Love,
PK - UNC
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Howdy, Thanks for throwing Hutchcraft’s stories on the newsletter, I really enjoy those!! Peace, Laura J
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He's available daily at:
"A Word With You," by sending a blank email to: awordwithyou-subscribe@hutchcraft.com
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Dear Howdy, Thanks, I really enjoy receiving your e-mail newspaper! H. Vanderbilt U.
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Dear Howdy, please change my address from M1234@ to M4321@ I love getting your newspaper, and don't know what'd I do without it!
Thanks for the encouragement, laughter, and riddles, it's all been great! Thanks, Maegan
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Dear Howdy, Thank you, Prog.TJSmiley Cambridge U.
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Hello Howdy,
You are smarter than you look, but possibly all the pictures of you in T&H don't do you justice.
JB (California)
Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...
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Every war produces images of heroism that stick in our minds for a long time. Because Operation Iraqi Freedom introduced the concept of embedded reporters, that action produced many such images as journalists reported live from the front lines. One image I just cannot get out of my head is that of a wounded Marine, hit six times by enemy fire, being carried on a stretcher by his fellow Marines. Maybe you saw this. What was so memorable was that this wounded soldier was still carrying his automatic weapon - and still firing it from his stretcher at nearby enemy forces!
We call it heroism when a wounded soldier still keeps fighting. God calls it heroism when one of His soldiers - and that would be every one of us who follows Jesus - will not let their wounds make them stop fighting. On the stretcher, maybe. Giving up? Quitting the battle? Never.
If you've taken some hits lately - you're hurt, you're knocked down, you're wounded - then the stirring testimony of the Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 4, beginning with verse 7, should be an encouragement and a challenge to you. It's our word for today from the Word of God. It comes from one who has been wounded over and over again, and who refuses to stop fighting for Jesus.
Paul says: "We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." He is wounded, but he is still fighting.
That isn't always the way we respond to our wounds, is it? Maybe you've allowed your hurts and your hard times to make you bitter, cynical, negative, hard, withdrawn, self-pitying. Those poisons will do more damage to you than the wounds ever could. And they are a choice. It could be that you've let your wounds affect your faith and you've become a doubter rather than a believer - thus forfeiting the peace that belongs only to those who let hard times turn them to their Lord, not away from Him.
My friends Bob and Linda have been more deeply wounded than most of us could imagine. Their teenage son was transformed by a commitment to Christ he made through our Native American outreach team, and then by traveling with the team. One month later he was killed in a terrible traffic accident. Two years later, their precious 8-year old son died in their presence in a winter accident. They could have become doubters or cynics, but instead they have thrown themselves on God's grace and found a closeness with God that radiates from their lives. And they have turned their sons' funerals and the subsequent memorial services into places where scores and scores of their people have met their Savior. I have seen it. They've been wounded - they've been terribly wounded - but they refuse to stop fighting!
And that's what our Savior did. Agonizing on the cross, He still did not think about Himself. He was too busy looking out for His mother, ministering to the man on the cross next to Him, and forgiving the people who nailed Him there. So don't quit, don't defect, don't surrender to negativity and doubt. You keep fighting until Jesus says the battle is over and takes you home for heaven's Medal of Honor. Ron Hutchcraft
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To find out how you can begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please visit YOURS FOR LIFE: HOW TO HAVE LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP at:
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The billy goat stood contentedly chewing his way through what was left of the video. His wife came up behind him and asked, "Do you like that video?
He stood there munching for a moment and then said, "Nah, the book was better."
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Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!" First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997 Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture
One of the reasons for the success of the internet is its open, peer-to-peer nature. All computers on the internet are equal, and in the past it hasn't mattered whether your computer is a 386 in Nguru on the end of a satellite phone or a big monster in a New York rack. If that ever changes, I think we will lose part of the essential, vital character of the internet. Doug Winter
================== "How to Be Sure You're a REAL Christian" 1-888-NEED-HIM (24/7 - free call) ==================
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman! (Sent by ML)
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If you're in the market for a used car, you can enter the VIN of a car you like and get a free report on it's history. Buy yourself a new home for cheap by checking out recent foreclosures. Find out what's really going on in your state legislature. If there's a public record, you'll find it here.
TO VISIT THIS SITE, GO HERE: http://www.searchsystems.net
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WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
* A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase * We can open all our own jars * Phone conversations last 30 seconds * We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes * Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight * When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying * We can leave a hotel room bed unmade. * The garage is all ours.
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Oh my black Soul! Now thou art summoned By sicknesses, deaths herald, and champion;
These are the first lines of John Donne's compelling second Holy Sonnet. Donne is the great Renaissance poet that wisely informed us that no man is an island. In this sonnet he does not inform us of every man; rather he tells us of himself.
He begins this powerful poem with a profound interrogation of his soul. "Oh my black Soul!" he starts with a thunder. Four hundred years after the ink of his pen has dried the passionate ache of his cry has not withered. Can you not hear it in your own heart? Have you never turned the eye of judgment upon yourself and found yourself wanting? Have you never cried, "Oh my black Soul!"
What is one to do with a black soul, besides ache? For all our technological savvy today we have yet to discover a solution to scrub the soul. A hundred years of psychology and the words of the ancient Jewish prophet Jeremiah are still terrifyingly true, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Footnote 1: Jeremiah 17:9)
Still more terrifying for Donne is that death is approaching and he is beset with illness. As he puts it, "sickness, death's herald and champion" has summoned his soul to take account of himself. The grim reaper approaches, and Donne is faced with the demanding task of searching his soul to see what he will take to the other side. To his chagrin, he finds his soul black, black with envy, black with selfishness, black with pride. In sum, black with sin.
After many lines agonizing over this stark discovery, Donne comes to his only hope: a strange paradox. He instructs his soul,
Wash thee in Christ's blood, which hath this might That being red, it dyes red souls to white.
He turns to the mysterious power of the blood of Christ. The faith and the hope of every Christian believer is in this paradoxical power of the blood of Christ: that our souls being black, can be washed in the blood of Christ and made white.
Donne believed that sixteen centuries after Christ's blood was shed that it still possessed a wonderful potency, the power to cleanse souls. Amazingly, four centuries more and that blood's power is not yet spent. I know, for as I direct my heart to Christ, he washes my black soul and makes it white.
To subscribe, send blank e-mail with the subject 'Subscribe': slice-subscribe@lists.gospelcom.net
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When I was a kid, I could toast a marshmallow over my birthday cake. Now I could roast a turkey.
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Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds. Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies into which they never enter and with their hand on the doorlatch they die outside. GK Chesterton
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Trust in yourself and you are doomed to disappointment; trust in money and you may have it taken from you; but trust in God, and you are never to be confounded in time or eternity. - D.L. Moody
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Who is Jesus? (http://www.ccci.org/whoisjesus/interactive-journey/)
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted, "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"
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*Spoken by Jesus: "...whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it." --Matthew 16
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Two ladies were having tea together and one was depressed.
"What's wrong?" the first asked.
"I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away," replied the second.
The other lady asked, "What did they do?"
"Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."
Listen to the audio broadcast! http://www.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/ramhurl?p=pnm&f=/rhm/sounds/awwy/awwy5000.rm
Narnia was a mythical land, created by C. S. Lewis, where the animals talk and where four children experience a series of incredible adventures. The 7-part series, "The Chronicles of Narnia," have long fascinated both children and adults alike. Then came Disney's movie version of the first Narnia story, "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." And it was a blockbuster. In the story, the wardrobe is the closet through which the children discover Narnia. The witch is the evil ruler of the land, creating an endless winter where it is "always winter but never Christmas." And the lion is Aslan, the great son of the Emperor from across the sea. He is, in C. S. Lewis' imagery, the Christ-figure of Narnia. As the children begin to experience the icy and dangerous world that Narnia has become under an evil ruler, one of the animals announces that there is hope on the horizon. Hope turns out to be five words: "Aslan is on the move." Indeed, he was. Narnia would soon be set free.
Five words may explain the strange stirring that you've felt in your heart lately. Five words may mean hope for you. Those five words? "Jesus is on the move." The One of whom the Bible says: "The Lion of the tribe of Judah ... has triumphed" (Revelation 5:5). He may very well be on the move in your personal world and in your heart.
What He's moving to do is pictured in our word for today from the Word of God in Exodus 3, beginning with verse 7. God's speaking to Moses from an amazing burning bush in the wilderness. He says, "I have seen the misery of My people ... I have heard them crying out ... and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them ... So now, go. I am sending you."
When Jesus starts moving, He's on a rescue mission. In fact, the name God told Mary and Joseph to give Him, Jesus, literally means "Jehovah rescues." Every time we say "Jesus," we're saying why He came - to rescue. In Moses' day, God was coming down to rescue His people from slavery in Egypt. Today, God comes down to rescue people from the bleakness and the bondages of a life lived outside of His purposes; the kind of "my way" living the Bible calls sin. Sin robs this life of its meaning and joy and it condemns us to the death penalty of an awful eternity. Jesus came like the rescuers went into the fallen towers on that dark September 11, risking his life to save us from a deadly situation from which we could never save ourselves. And He's on the move right now, and He's got rescue on His mind.
If you've given yourself to the Savior who died for you, He's asking you to join Him in His rescue mission. Your heart has been restless to make a greater difference, and that's why. He's moving to rescue people you know from a hopeless, "always winter" life and from an awful, Christless eternity. He's calling your name and saying, as He did to Moses, "So now, go. I am sending you." This is why He's put you where you are - to rescue. Don't miss the destiny you were made for.
And if there's never been a time when you grabbed Jesus as your spiritual Rescuer, He's coming close to you today so you can. Your hope of finding the purpose you were made for, your hope of experiencing God's awesome love, your hope of changing your eternal address to heaven is five words: "Jesus is on the move." The stirring, the tug you feel in your heart is Jesus. He's ready for you to come to Him. And you don't come when you're ready; you come when He's ready. When He's moving in your heart, there are, according to the Bible, two choices. Either you open your heart or you harden your heart.
If He's moving in your heart today, would you open your heart to Him? Just tell Him, "Lord Jesus, I know what You did on the cross is my only hope, and I'm ready to turn from running my own life and run to You as my Rescuer from my sin." If that's what you want, I'd like to help you make that step. Just go to our website. It's yoursforlife.net. There's a brief explanation of how you can begin your relationship with Christ. Or you can call to get that in print. It's 877-741-1200. It's been winter in your life long enough. It doesn't have to be any longer. Jesus is on the move - in your heart.
If you're not sure you belong to Jesus, and you would like to make sure today, Ron would like to send to you a free copy of the booklet, "Yours for Life: How to Have Life's Most Important Relationship." To read it online, click here: http://www.yoursforlife.net/
OR, to request your free copy of "Yours for Life," click here: http://rhm.gospelcom.net/yours/yflorder.html
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To find out how you can begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please visit YOURS FOR LIFE: HOW TO HAVE LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP at: http://www.yoursforlife.net Or, call 1-888-NEED HIM.
"A Word With You" by Ron Hutchcraft is a daily radio challenge, with slice-of-life illustrations and insights - providing practical help on the issues that matter most. If your local Christian radio station does not air "A Word With You," please let them know how much you value this program. Over six years of transcripts are available online, at http://rhm.gospelcom.net/awwy.php