A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a UNC grad who is a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the grad is just standing there, doing nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well...I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Comment & Forward>>>
Comments:
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high- resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a democrat consultant" says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
Wondering why my niece was returning to UNC to get a masters in philosophy, I asked "What can you do with a degree like that?"
"Well," she explained "It will qualify me to deal with questions like 'What is existence?' What is the essence of things.' and 'Do you want fries with that?"
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be John Brown if you are going to take that day off!
Click Here This government site offers access to historic documents. View the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights.
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'Thought & Humor' - often polemical but never tasteless/unrefined/uncouth/ribald.
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Please note: If you see a UNC student or liberal reading 'Thought & Humor', please explain to them which is thought & which is humor. They usually get it backwards.......
"Not being on the air, that's not important. But I'd like to be in the newsroom helping set the agenda."
Retired CBS Anchorman Walter Cronkite
{Dear Walter, Fair news knows no agenda - Howdy}
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God designed humans to want to believe in something. That's the image of God that is in us. But as G. K. Chesterton famously put it, when we reject the God of the Bible, we don't believe in nothing; we believe in everything -- including Little Green Men.
- - Chuck Colson
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Dear Howdy,
Thank you for your simply addicting newsletter...it's truly a candidate for the 8th wonder of the world and 1st candidate for the cyber-world... it just keeps blooming with more of what I need and, I think, what we all need...please keep up the great works!!!
Type atcha later...
God bless you,
Phil H WI
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Dear Howdy, Indeed I am a faithful Tarheel*, having both MA and Ph.D. from their fine chemistry department. But that doesn't keep me from getting a great kick out of the humor propagated by what appears to me to be a pack of wolves!!**
SERIOUSLY, THE HUMOR IS GREAT FUN BUT MY MAIN ATTRACTION WAS TO THE CONSERVATIVE MORAL AND POLITICAL STANCE THAT SEEMED TO CHARACTERIZE THE FIRST ISSUE I SAW. INCIDENTALLY (HE SAYS ACCIDENTALLY!), it was sent to me by a friend, so I really didn't "hear about you" at all, and still haven't. All I know is what has come in the two issues of the Newsletter I have seen. The best to you.
S. P.
*Another name for UNC. ** UNC's archrival - NCSU.
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{Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line for more info - Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' in any way - but should be}