Ever hear about the UNC student who got hurt when he fell out of the tree while raking leaves?
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A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said to myself, 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty!' So, your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
A UNC grad spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in the backwoods and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do. How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"
Godiva Chocolates were launched in 1926 in Brussels, Belgium, when master chocolatier Joseph Draps founded, with his family, a chocolate company named in honor of the 1040 A.D. legend of Lady Godiva. Draps had perfected a unique formula of rich, smooth chocolate. With an eye for detail, he launched elegant, European shell-moulded designs and exquisite packaging. Through the years, his standards have been maintained as zealously as his recipes have been guarded. Since its U.S. introduction in 1966, Godiva continues to be a leader in the premium confectionery industry. Godiva's famous Open Oyster, a shell-moulded chocolate filled with hazelnut praliné, is the company's best-selling individual chocolate piece
A UNC grad had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"
Driving is never more exciting than it is during a major snowstorm. In fact, it is so exciting you ought to avoid it. Sometimes you just can't. I was scheduled to speak at a retreat in the Pocono Mountains one January weekend and a major snowstorm moved in right on the Friday when everyone is supposed to be traveling to Pennsylvania from New Jersey. I waited all day for the call, "Sorry, it's been cancelled." I got the call. They were still going, and by that time it was dark. It was snowing very impressively, so I traveled at a very reduced speed and it looked almost impossible to make it until I spotted my friend up ahead - my friend the snow plow. He was clearing a lane as he went. I just fell in right behind Mr. Snow Plow and followed him through the storm all the way to the state line.
Our word for today from the Word of God comes from Isaiah 43:16. God says, "This is what the Lord says - He who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters." Verse 18: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." God is described here as He who made a way. This is a very exciting view of our Heavenly Father. He's the way-maker when there is no way. Like when the Jews were on the banks of the Red Sea, every sense said it was over. No way. Now, young people often pick up phrases and dialogue from popular movies. One of those that came from a movie a few years ago was a response when someone says, "No way." You just go, "Way." That's short for, "No, you're wrong. There is a way."
Right now you might be facing a seemingly impossible situation and you're shaking your head like the Jews at the Red Sea and you're saying "No way." Then there's this unexpected whisper from God's heart to yours: "Way." He's just trying to assure you that He will make a way through mighty waters that seem overwhelming and unmovable - through the desert, a place where there seems to be no resources.
If you've committed yourself to Jesus as your personal Savior, you belong to a way-making God. What does that mean? You can't judge the outcome by how bad the situation is. Your Father can overrule that. You can't judge by how impossible it is. It's only impossible by earth standards. But your God doesn't have impossible in His vocabulary. You can't judge by how late it is. You say, "Man, there's not enough time for an answer now." Hey, God could do in an hour what men couldn't pull off in fifty years.
Stand with Job on this conviction. It's in Job 42:2, "I know that you can do all things, Lord, no plan of yours can be thwarted." One treacherous snowy night I looked ahead at a road that seemed impossible until I saw someone going ahead of me who could clear that road.
One fearful day, God's ancient people stood on the banks of the Red Sea trapped before the attacking armies of Egypt until they saw someone who could part a sea and bury an army. That very same God, the great Way-Maker, is out in front of you. Ron Hutchcraft
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A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to the United States to study the bears in Yellowstone. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course............ The Czech is in the male."
Many people love it when they hear an old song and are instantly taken back to high school or grade school. It's amazing how songs, TV shows and movies play such important roles in our lives. As much as critics denigrate pop culture, it can be a huge force.
If you're a child of the 1960s, '70s or '80s, you'll love today's site. It has information on all of the songs, TV shows, movies and events that shaped our lives.
Be warned! It's very easy to spend hours at this site. I found myself constantly clicking links and screaming, "I remember that!" Of course, everyone in the building kept running into my office to see if I was okay. I was--just really excited!
http://www.nostalgiacentral.com/
{Double click on the web address above for additional information:}
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Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!" First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997 Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture
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The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? And second: How in tarnation did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward,
"Warden, we rebelled because the food is, to put it simply... awful."
"I see. And... just what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman....
"FrenchToast..."
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News Flashes just in for the year 2035:
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock
Baby conceived naturally . . . Scientists stumped
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual mariage.