* You start with a pair. * He shows a diamond. * She shows a heart. * Her father has a club. * His father has a spade. * There's usually a joker around somewhere, * but after a while he becomes a king and * she becomes a queen. * Then they end up with a full house.
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Things That Take Years to Learn
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number ofhelicopters in it.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual babyemerging from her at that moment.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human racehas not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, thatword would be "meetings."
*Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth byYour great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for You.
*Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law! *Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance. *Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children. *Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf". *Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it. *"Normal": A setting on a washing machine.. *Health: The slowest possible rate of dying. *Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money. *Boy: A noise with dirt on it. *Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Although most cats can swim if they are forced to, they generallyavoid water. But tigers love the water, and are able to swim forseveral miles.Throughout most of their range, tigers face extinction. But there isone place where their numbers are increasing: the swampy mangroveforests of the Sunderbans in West Bengal, India. There, thewater-loving cats use the braided streams and river channels ashighways, expertly navigating through the maze of mangrove thickets.Humans who hunt in the Sunderbans must remain constantly alert formarauding tigers that attack from the water -- the great predatorssometimes kill people.
Accountants don't die they just lose there balance.
Must Be True -- I Read it on the Internet ------------------------------------
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 was "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN.He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.