There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket; But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Comment & Forward>>>
Comments:
. Note: The following is from our archives. Some links & e-mail addresses may no longer work...
Happy Weekend, Howdy
A UNC grad met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher.
"Help, help," she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my aunt's pay-he's taken my aunt's pay!"
"OK, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."
====================
Riddles:
1) Can you decipher this famous saying?
That prudent avis which matutinally deserts the coziness of its abode will ensnare a vermiculate creature.
2) What has one leg, but not two. Never gets fat, has 15 teeth, but doesn't chew. All green and no blue, bugs don't like them but I do. What are they?
3) Without a bridle, or a saddle, across a thing I ride a-straddle. And those I ride, by help of me, though almost blind, are made to see. What am I?
***Answers are located below***
Last issue's answers:
1) I have eyes but I see nothing. I have ears, but I hear nothing. I have a mouth, but cannot speak. I always will look just as I look now. If I am young, I will stay young. If I am old, I will remain old. What Am I?
A painting or photograph of someone.
2) I have five letters. If you take the first and last, I will still be the same. Even if you take the middle letter, I will be the same as before. Who am I?
Empty
3) A Train enters a tunnel at 7 o'clock, another train enters the exact same tunnel, also at 7 o'clock on the same day. The tunnel only has one track, and no other means for the trains to pass, around, over, or under. However both trains made it to the other end of the tunnel untouched. How could this be?
One entered at 7AM the other at 7PM.
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Hello Howdy,
I did actually take the time to read your entire e-mail, which I thought was terribly amusing. I admire your wordplay and eloquence of language.
Saskia (Oxford U.)
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The police recently busted a man selling ' secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for commiting this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983...........
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Read what you have time for below & save the rest for a rainy/snowy/slow time.
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Someone took this picture of Howdy recently: http://i1img.com/images/today/pet/031702pet_lg.jpg
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You might think that the Earth is closest to the Sun when the weather is warmest, but that's only true south of the equator. Earth's closest approach to the Sun (perihelion) happens around January 2, when it's winter in the north.
Earth's orbit is so close to circular that the difference in distance between the closest and farthest points is very slight. The atmosphere and oceans hold so much of the Sun's warmth, that the effect of the distance changes is mostly invisible. What an amazing Creator our Universe has.
The Sun at perihelion: http://earthsky.com/2000/es000102.html
The Milankovitch cycle: http://aa.usno.navy.mil/AA/faq/docs/seasons_orbit.html
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Subscribe: ***Howdy's E-Mail Address located below!!!***
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Dear Howdy,
Your newspaper is fun and informative, but I will unfortunately no longer have an active e-mail address from the end of this week- therefore I must unsubscribe,
Thanks, E Miller (Cambridge University)
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***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING*** This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered. A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just ahead for your entertainment!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" information way below.
(Even French & German students can do it on their PC's built in 1981).
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Q: How do you keep a UNC* student busy all day? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
________ *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including: B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C. (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898 for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
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*** ARE YOU READY TO TEST YOUR WORD KNOWLEDGE? ***
Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
1. deride A. Serving or tending to irritate or repel. 2. felicitous B. A rough draft or sketch. 3. peniaphobia C. A hearty eater; a glutton. 4. quiddity D. Combining two in one. 5. biunial E. Fear of poverty. 6. trencherman F. Fidelity; allegiance; faithfulness. 7. abbozzo G. To laugh at with contempt. 8. magirics H. Well suited or expressed; appropriate. 9. rebarbative I. An eccentricity; an odd feature. 10. fealty J. Cooking, a chef. (answers below)
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Due to the fact that America & its Allies are now at war, all military personel may receive 'Thought & Humor' FREE. Send their e-mail address for their free subscription to: Howdy's address below...
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Address Change
Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this Spring should your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.) change. Subscribe your new address at:
***Howdy's E-Mail Address located below!!!***
It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor' combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes, and Howdy...
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Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
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Dear Howdy,
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
Walter R.
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Permission is hereby granted for you to change all humor used in The"E-Mail Newspaper", 'Thought & Humor' and its subsidiaries related to the institution of lower learning hereby known as UNC to another of your choice from the list below:
1) Any French or German school 2) Harvard or U.C.-Berkeley 3) Any accredited high school or middle school 4) Any Loggerheads & Pundits 5) Any and all persnickety individuals or nincompoop 6) Any Chapel Hill, NC Citizen unless same sends an offspring to Duke, NCSU, Luther College, Villanova, M.S.U. or Florida State.
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As you read the Scriptures with your family, I hope you'll have a new appreciation for who the "Word made flesh" really is: He's the Creator who existed before time. He's the Logos Who made heaven and earth, and Who steers the stars in their courses. He is the Truth that is ultimate reality. He is the 'Babe of Bethlehem & the 'Word' of John 1. If you know of others who would enjoy receiving BreakPoint in their E-mail box each day, tell them they can sign up 1-800-457-6125.
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A Week's Worth Of GREAT Reading Just For You!!! Howdy's address below...
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"Thought & Humor" is now read in all 50 States, 70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations, Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School & all major American Universities including UNC!!!
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*He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. --Proverbs 17
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If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them), send a nice or fussy e-mail to the following:
**** Howdy's address below... ****
Dear Howdy, I love the newsletter! We're moving and want to change our e-mail address from n___@___.com to n___@y... We are church planting missionaries in Puerto Cortes, Honduras. I think that your ministry has an incredible outreach potential, and appreciate what you are doing for the Lord. Besides that, I enjoy your UNC jokes.
Thanks, Bryan (Honduras)
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Howdy, If I am not already subscribed to your" E-Mail Newspaper" please subscribe me and if I see those three hounds after you I will have them thrown in the pound. You have good stuff. Thanks, A & E Hewett
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Dear Howdy, I have recently changed online services and would like to continue receiving T & H. I love your jokes and pass them on to others. Thanks a million! Amy
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Dear Howdy, As one from Texas, "Howdy" is used quite often and not just by Aggies from Texas A & M. And since we are on the subject, the UNC jokes are the same down here in Texas, but we call them Aggie Jokes. So, should I be offended too? I think not. Keep up the good work. See Ya'll Later. Sar
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hi,
i don't know how u got my address, but im GLAD you did. i enjoy reading it!!!
i love the riddles...for the first time i opened your e-mail and i liked it so much that i went back to my email and opened all the other ones you had sent me that i never opened...i have 2 questions..
how come the old ones were all cororful and with cartoons and stuff? and how come i cant visit www.whereshowdy.com to get the answers to the old riddles i have recieved from you?
thanx. M.R. (George Mason U.)
+
Dear M.R.,
Thanks for your letter. We had to cut back to "text-only" until we get a software improvement in the future. Does anyone know a better way to send out a million newspapers in html with a perfect unsubscribe option for those very vocal 1/10 of 1% who wish to unsubscribe. Our budget by the way is $ 0.00. (We've already tried Yahoo Groups in the past.)
The HHH knocked us off our website but actually did us a favor because we couldn't afford the needed bandwidth on our budget. Thanks HHH...
Your devoted Friend, Howdy
+++
You inflict your newsletter upon unwilling recipients to satisfy your ego. You may tell yourself you're doing God's work, but you know that a person can only accept God when he or she chooses to, and cannot be forced to do so any sooner than that. Salvation comes only from free will. You should know that. zgrrrlct
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Howdy, Your "Thought & Humor" is an insult to anyone intelligent and truly God-fearing. SHAME ON YOU for adding to the misery and ignorance we find ourselves in. Please don't use my God to justify your hatred. Victor Santos (U.C. - San Francisco)
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Hello Howdy,
I did actually take the time to read your entire e-mail, which I thought was terribly amusing, until I actually realised you were being serious about religion which undermined the entire humour of your newsletter in my eyes.
I admire your wordplay and eloquence of language, but do think you might be overdoing it just that little bit in trying to drive home the Christian message in a "youthful" sort of way. I think it's quite timeless personally, and whether you funk it up or not people will either believe, or they won't. I personally just take my risk and opt for the latter.
S.D. (Oxford University)
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Dear Howdy, How did you come up with such a great idea? Very inspirational! Do you take contributions to help "the cause"? Bill T.
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Dear Bill,
Thanks for the offer - please give whatever you were going to give to a good Christian cause & the Lord will bless both of us... Your Devoted Friend, Howdy
+
Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...
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"Treasure Island" ... "A Child's Garden of Verses" - those are just some of the literary classics written by Robert Louis Stevenson. He must have had a way with words from the time he was a boy. Anne Graham Lotz tells of a night in his boyhood when his nanny just couldn't get him to bed. Young Robert just kept staring out the window, oblivious to her talking to him. Finally, she said, "Robert, what in the world are you looking at out there?" As she pulled back the curtain, she realized he was watching the lamplighter making his way down the street, lighting one street lamp after another. Young Robert Louis Stevenson saw something more. He said, "Look at that man! He's punching holes in the darkness!"
What an awesome description of the reason God has placed you where you are! You're not there to shake your head and bemoan how dark it is where you work or go to school or whatever your environment. You're there to punch holes in the darkness! So, how are you doing so far?
Just listen to what Jesus said in Matthew 5:14-16, our word for today from the Word of God. If you belong to Jesus, He's including you in this. "You are the light of the world." Think of your personal world and the people in your world. Jesus says you are their light. "A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp or put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its' stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
Yeah, we live in a pretty dark world. But it is not a world without light - unless the Christian in a situation fails to punch holes in the darkness by living like Jesus would live there, treating people like Jesus would treat people, and handling situations and temptations as Jesus would handle them. So many of Jesus' followers don't realize who they are - His personal representative in their personal world.
You punch another hole in the darkness every time you show up with joy instead of gloom on your face, with good things to say instead of griping, every time you stop for someone who's struggling, when you consciously put someone else ahead of you, when you insist on taking the high road when it's tempting to cut corners, every time you weep with someone who's weeping, rejoice with someone who's rejoicing, and reach out to someone who is being acting very unloveable.
The lost folks around you probably won't be all that impressed with your dont's or all the religious meetings you go to. They need to see meaningful differences in you because Christ is in you.
But it isn't enough that they just see that you're different. They need to know why, or they'll never be able to get out of the darkness themselves. They need Jesus. And He put you in their life so they could find out what Jesus did for them on the cross; so they could find out from someone who's living proof that Jesus is alive and how they, too, can have a life-changing relationship with Him. Have you told them about your Jesus yet? Humanly speaking, you may very well be their best chance of heaven.
Every morning, before your Lord, tell Him and tell yourself, "I am the light of my world." And go out there, showing a harsh and lonely and self-serving world that there's another way to be. Defy the darkness wherever you go. Punch holes in the darkness with the brilliant light of Jesus Christ! Ron Hutchcraft
To find out how you can begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please visit YOURS FOR LIFE: HOW TO HAVE LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP at:
1-888-NEED HIM.
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HOW SMART ARE YOU? http://www.dur.ac.uk/t.m.jackson/intelligentietest.htm Here's an intelligence test. Supposedly Bill Gates only got three of 11 questions right.
INTERACTIVE LIBRARY http://library.hgtv.com This site goes beyond instructions on "do-it-yourself" projects. It has interactive guides that illustrate exactly what you are supposed to do.
KIDS' SITE: IT'S THE WIGGLES! http://www.thewiggles.com/ The Wiggles have been entertaining kids for over 10 years. Play games, get concert updates and more! My son loves them!
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Depressed, Troubled, Worried??? Big Problems??? Want to talk with a LIVE trained counselor??? Want to get REAL help??? (FREE - English/Spanish)
1-800-633-3446
(Not associated with 'Thought & Humor')
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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--- General Norman Schwartzkopf
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Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues, friends, and family, and let them know they can subscribe: ***Howdy's E-Mail Address located below!!!***
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We are soooooooo sorry!!! Boohoo Tears!!! If you are receiving 'Thought & Humor' & don't wish to be on our weekly mailing. Perhaps it's your fault because you have sooooooo many friends who want you to receive 'Thought & Humor'!
Here are some suggestions:
1) Sue Howdy. 2) Complain to your attorney/boss/congressperson/king/Mom. 3) Send this issue to a friend/enenemy/professor. 4) Chew Howdy out next time you see him. 5) Chew Howdy out next time you write him. 6) Employ a "Hired Howdy Hunter". 7) Unsubscribe or use your "delete" button (located upper right on most key boards).
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Ever since people have made movies, they have wanted to include special effects that fool viewers. In the days before computer graphics, special effects were often quite creative, as in the movie "The Wizard Of Oz" where a realistic tornado sweeps across the plains.
The Kansas twister that swept up Dorothy and her house was actually a long string of muslin stockings sewed together and stuffed. It was photographed dangling down into a model scene with miniatures of the farm and nearby fields.
The stocking was not the only creative tornado effect. In the most close-up shots of the twister, it was a huge dust-filled burlap bag that was being beaten to release dark, swirling clouds. There were also some actual shots of a real tornado when it was seen far away across the plains.
More about the art of special effects: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/specialfx/ http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Makeup/9472/sfx.htm
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Howdy says: FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997 Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture
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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh
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"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin
An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman
REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon, "Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers, "Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis, "Running Scared" by Roy Orbison, "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards, "Surrender" by Elvis Presley, "Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons, "Live and Let Die" by Wings, "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond, "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers, "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi
================== "It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God and to recognize the sublime truth announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord." --Abraham Lincoln ==================
Dear Howdy,
Just in case anyone doesn't know why we are going into Iraq:
http://www.politicsandprotest.org/
Thanks, J.R. (GA)
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TRIVIA:
The minimum age for marriage of Italian girls was raised by law to 12 years in 1892.
***
The Kentucky Supreme Court has ruled that the prosecution must throw its files wide open to the defense if the accused is suffering from amnesia.
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NO GUM IN SINGAPORE
The sale of chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of "tainting an environment free of dirt."
***
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING...
The State of Nevada first legalized gambling in 1931. At that same time, the Hoover Dam was being built and the federal government did not want its workers (who earned 50 cents an hour) to be involved with such diversions, so they built the town of Boulder City to house the dam workers. To this day, Boulder City is the only city in Nevada where gambling is illegal. Hoover Dam is 726 feet tall and 660 feet thick at its base. Enough rock was excavated in its construction to build the Great Wall of China. Contrary to old wives' tales, no workers were buried in the dam's concrete.
**********
"We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising."
Yogi [Lawrence Peter] Berra (1925- ), baseball player.
***
Did you know a Japanese bowing carries different meanings at different angles?
- A bow at an angle of five degrees means "Good day" (simple greeting).
- A bow at an angle of fifteen degrees is also a common salutation, a bit more formal it means "Good morning."
- A bow at an angle of thirty degrees is a respectful bow to indicate appreciation for a kind gesture.
- A bow at a forty-five-degree angle is used to convey deep respect or an apology.
***
Which of these birds can fly?
A) Kiwi B) Ostrich C) Penguin D) Puffin
Answer: D) Puffin
***
DID YOU KNOW...
The minimum safe distance between a wood-burning stove and flammable objects is three feet.
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There is 1 mile of railroad track in Belgium for every one and a half square miles of land.
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OUCH!
The New York Board of Education barred the whipping of children in its schools on March 4, 1908.
***
JAPANESE AND CHOPSTICKS
Japanese rules for the proper use of chopsticks are many. Improper use includes wandering the chopsticks over several foods without decision, and is called mayoibashi. The un- forgivable act of licking the ends of chopsticks is called neburibashi. Lack of chopstick etiquette is strictly taboo.
***
NO MCGREGORS?
King James VI and the Privy Council issued an edict in 1603 banning the use of the surname MacGregor.
****
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."
ANSWER: Jane Austen (1775 - 1817) [Pride and Prejudice], British author.
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WOMEN'S ANTI-STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
LUNCH small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea 1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA the rest of the kisses in the bag 1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping
DINNER 4 bottles of pop 2 loaves garlic bread 1 family size supreme pizza 3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS.
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If you stop believing what your professor told you had to be true and if you start thinking for yourself you may come to some conclusions you hadn't expected. You may find the Bible makes more sense than you thought or were told to think. Allow yourself to be ruined, ruined with regard to what you always thought could be true. Can you believe what you don't understand?You and I believe everyday what we don't understand unless it comes to the issue to salvation. Dr. Woodrow Kroll
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How it all started...
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell and his assistant, aman named Watson, have been hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he suddenly hears ...
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?"
==================
Q: How do UNC student's brain cells die ? A: Alone.
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To those who've asked: We received your address from a friend of yours, your Mom, or perhaps even a caring professor. Additionally some received "Thought & Humor" because they were predestined or due to the ups & downs of kismet (which do you think is right). Please enjoy...
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"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering fromthese, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gaveway to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage." The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"
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Hi- Is there any way to find out who signed me up for your fabulous, open-minded newsletter? I would really like to thank them personally!! Thanks, Adam
+++
Dear Howdy,
I am a Christian, and I think you're all wrong. I am a proud American, and I think you're all wrong. I do not want to ever see your newsletter again.
John Webster
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Did you hear about the UNC band member who locked his keys in the car? He had to break a window to get the drummer out!
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Dear Readers,
It may come as a surprise to some that I dearly love the French, Germans, & Muslims.
I had a delightful trip to France in 2000 and enjoyed the French sites & culture as well as the hospitable Parisians. However, I do have a considerable problem with their government's love of a "Jr. Hitler"!!!
Makes one wonder if those brave Americans who died to liberate France a generation ago would have reconsidered had they only known the future. Pass me the "Freedom Fries" & "Freedom Toast".
Also please note that EVERY 'Thought & Humor" tells of God's love for ALL Muslims in "Four Important Things To Know" Section through the world's only hope for peace: THE PRINCE OF PEACE (Jesus Christ).
Your Devoted Friend, Howdy
==================
--> FIND THE LOCATION FOR CHEAP GASOLINE! Are you looking to tank up and save some money? The federal Environmental Protection Agency can help. It provides links to databases with gas prices. The American Automobile Association has some reports, as does the Department of Energy. Many local reports come from individuals. The site is: http://www.fueleconomy.gov
--> IF IT'S GREEK TO YOU, CHECK BABELFISH Alta Vista offers translation services if you get a message in a foreign tongue. It handles nine languages, in addition to English. Check it out at: http://babelfish.altavista.com/translate.dyn
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One of the reasons for the success of the internet is its open, peer-to-peer nature. All computers on the internet are equal, and in the past it hasn't mattered whether your computer is a 386 in Nguru on the end of a satellite phone or a big monster in a New York rack. If that ever changes, I think we will lose part of the essential, vital character of the internet. Doug Winter
================== "How to Be Sure You're a REAL Christian" 1-888-NEED-HIM (24/7 - free call) ==================
Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds. Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies into which they never enter and with their hand on the door latch they die outside. GK Chesterton
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"Do you remember that terribly pushy woman with the attitude problem who lived in the apartment above us?"
"Yes, what about her?"
"She's marrying a doctor she met when she went in for X-rays."
"Really...I wonder what he saw in her?"
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Please forward this newspaper to your colleagues, friends, and family, and let them know they can subscribe:
****Howdy's address below...***
==================
Translations of hotel terms!
Old world charm ................ No bath Tropical ....................... Rainy Majestic setting ............... A long way from town Options galore ................. Nothing is included in the itinerary Secluded hideaway .............. Impossible to find or get to Pre-registered rooms ........... Already occupied Explore on your own ............ Pay for it yourself Knowledgeable trip hosts ....... They've flown in an airplane before No extra fees .................. No extras Nominal fee .................... Outrageous charge Standard ....................... Sub-standard Deluxe ......................... Standard Superior ....................... One free shower cap Cozy ............................. Small All the amenities .............. Two free shower caps Plush ............................ Top and bottom sheets Gentle breezes ................. Occasional Gale-force winds Light and airy ................. No air conditioning Picturesque .................... Theme park nearby Concierge ...................... Stand with tourist brochures Continental breakfast .......... Free muffin
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A real man's guide to household tools: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape.
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Trust in yourself and you are doomed to disappointment; trust in money and you may have it taken from you; but trust in God, and you are never to be confounded in time or eternity. - D.L. Moody
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This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. --1 John 3
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We do precision guesswork.
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"This probably isn't really "SPAM", somebody you probably know signed you up for this and the newsletter..."
"Broadband Reports" responding to a 'T & H' Critic 11/2/2 Issue
===============
Howdy,
In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the "War on Terror" after all.
500 soldiers from the elite Battalion du Specialistes d'Abandonnement (Surrender Specialists) of France's vaunted Armees de la Terre are preparing for movement to Iraq, where they will advise the Iraqi Republican Guards on the protocol of their upcoming surrender to American armed forces.
"It is important to be overbearingly haughty and insufferable when surrendering," said Colonel Philippe Marie-Jeane Yves-Montand Gauloise du Petite Pommes, commanding officer de le elite Surrender Specialists, who has personally surrendered in countless battles dating back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954. "We French are world masters at surrendering, n'est c'est pas? Not like you arrogant Americans, who never surrender. Ha! I spit on your American victories!" President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3,000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateurs Francaise to assist the Iraqis in avidly collaborating with the Americans, while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.
John J. (Charlotte)
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CAN CHRISTIANS BE WINNERS?
In sports, academics or professional life, the answer's yes--provided they have the right attitude about it.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. --Romans 8
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A seargent is teaching a UNC grad how to use a grenade. The seargent gives the orders. "Private, stand 40 feet away from me. Pull the pin. Now throw the grenade and hit the dirt!" "Here, catch," replies the private. In two years the seargent and the private meet in heaven. "How did you get here," asks the seargent? "I don't know," replies the private, "last thing I remember is being surrounded by the enemy. I pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin. They all ran away, so I just put the grenade back into my pocket."
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A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet!"
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Dear Howdy,
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave B.
=============== Please note: If you see a UNC student or a liberal reading 'Thought & Humor', please explain to them which is thought & which is humor. They always get it backwards....... ===============
Hanging in the hallway at UNC are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.
One day a freshman looking curiously at the photos and said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
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AMERICA ARCHIVED http://www.archives.gov/ This government site offers access to historic documents. View the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights.
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America's war on terrorism has once again raised important questions about the proper use of military action. President George W. Bush said on September 20, 2001, "Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done." This message and following statements by President Bush and Secretary of Defense Rumsfield articulated portions of what has come to be known as just war theory. This 1600-year-old Christian doctrine attempts to answer two questions: "When is it permissible to wage war?" and "What are the limitations on the ways we wage war?"
Historically, Christians have adopted one of three positions: (1) Activism -- it is always right to participate in war, (2) Pacifism -- it is never right to participate in war, or (3) Selectivism -- it is right to participate in some wars. The just war theory represents the third position and was articulated initially by Augustine who developed it as a logical extension of Romans 13:1-7.
1 Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. 3 For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise from the same; 4 for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil. 5 Therefore it is necessary to be in subjection, not only because of wrath, but also for conscience' sake. 6 For because of this you also pay taxes, for rulers are servants of God, devoting themselves to this very thing. 7 Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor. Augustine argued that not all wars are morally justified. He said, "It makes a great difference by which causes and under which authorities men undertake the wars that must be waged." This seven-point theory provides a framework for evaluating military action. A just war will include the following conditions: just cause, just intention, last resort, formal declaration, limited objectives, proportionate means, and noncombatant immunity. The first five principles apply as a nation is "on the way to war" (jus ad bellum) while the final two apply to military forces "in the midst of war" (jus in bello). Let's look at each of these in more detail.
Seven Points of a Just War
1.. Just cause -- All aggression is condemned in just war theory. Participation must be prompted by a just cause or defensive cause. No war of unprovoked aggression can ever be justified. 2.. Just intention -- War must be to secure a just peace for all parties involved. Revenge or conquest are not legitimate motives. 3.. Last resort -- War must be engaged as a last resort only after diplomacy and economic pressure have been exhausted. 4.. Formal declaration -- War must be initiated with a formal declaration by properly constituted authorities. 5.. Limited objectives -- War must be characterized by limited objectives such a peace. Complete destruction is an improper objective. War must be waged in such a way that once peace is attainable, hostilities cease. 6.. Proportionate means -- Combatants may not be subjected to greater harm than is necessary to secure victory. The types of weapons and amount of force used should be limited to what is needed to repel aggression and secure a just peace. 7.. Noncombatant immunity -- Military forces must respect individuals and groups not participating in the conflict. Only governmental forces or agents are legitimate targets.
Objections to Just War
Two types of objections often surface against the idea of just war theory. First, there is the moral objection. Pacifists argue that it is never right to go to war and often cite biblical passages to bolster their argument. For example, Jesus said believers should "turn the other cheek" (Matt. 5:39). He also warned that "those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword" (Matt. 26:52).
However, the context of the statements is key. In the first instance, Jesus is speaking to individual believers in his Sermon on the Mount, admonishing believers not to engage in personal retaliation. In the second instance, He tells Peter to put down his sword because the gospel should not be advanced by the sword. But at the same time, Jesus actually encouraged his disciples to buy a sword (Luke 22:36) in order to protect themselves.
Two political objections have been cited in the last few months against the application of just war theory to our war on terrorism. Critics say that the idea of a just war applies to only to nations and not to terrorists. Even so, that would not invalidate American miliary actions in Afghanistan or Iraq.
But the criticism is incorrect. It turns out that Christian thought about just war predates the concept of modern nation-states. So the application of these principles can apply to governments or terrorist organizations. Moreover, the very first use of American military force in this country was against Barbary Pirates (who were essentially the terrorists of the 18th century).
Critics also argue that since terrorism is an international threat, the concept of just war would require an international declaration of war. This is not true. The U.S. or any other country does not need to get international approval to defend itself. Even so, both President George H. W. Bush and President George W. Bush have brought the issue of Iraq to the United Nations for a vote. But as the current president made clear, he sought UN approval, not permission. He would like multilateral approval and help, but the U.S. is prepared to go it alone if necessary.
Kerby Anderson received his B.S. from Oregon State University, M.F.S. from Yale University, and M.A. from Georgetown University.
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A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a Pepsi Cola truck. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How would I know until my lawyer gets here ?" the driver responds. "
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You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.
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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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The first issue of Popular Mechanics hit the stands. This magazine brought science and technology into the world of ordinary readers, who eagerly absorbed the latest new developments. In September, 1903, the magazine went monthly, and today it is still popular, both on paper and in digital form.
Here's the digital form of Popular Mechanics: http://popularmechanics.com/
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(A letter from the past)
Dear Howdy, is UNC university of north carolina? Chris
Yes - ever heard of it??? Howdy
Dear Howdy, I know of it's existence but I didn't know they had a reputation. Chris
Dear Chris, UNC doesn't have a bad reputation but we are trying to CREATE one for them in the same manner that much of the liberal press & their 'lap dogs' in the educational establishment (some teachers & professors) attempt to trash all that is 'dear & sacred' to our American culture or heritage. Who would have thought fifty years ago that it would become wrong in America (according to today's liberals) to support the boy scouts but O.K. to pull 95% of a full term baby out of his/her mother's womb and brutally kill the child or that it's great to have pornography on public library computer screens but wrong to have a Bible/Christian literature on their shelves?
UNC is a great school & a number of my friends attended that fine institution. Where 'T & H' differs from the narrow minded bigoted liberals - whether it be Clinton, Gore, Rather, Jennings, or the Ted's - is that we satirize in fun not hate. Go Wolfpack... Happy September, Howdy
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Dear Howdy, Your response to Chris email about UNC was enlightening. I never looked at those hilarious jokes in that manner, I just thought they were for the sake of well.... humor. I totally agree with your assesment of creating a bad rap just as the bad rap has been created for Christions. Keep up the good work. Your friend in Texas.
Regards, Steve _______ Computer Corp. PC Storage Development
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After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
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Dear Howdy, Indeed I am a faithful Tarheel*, having both MA and Ph.D. from their fine chemistry department. But that doesn't keep me from getting a great kick out of the humor propogated by what appears to me to be a pack of wolves!!**
SERIOUSLY, THE HUMOR IS GREAT FUN BUT MY MAIN ATTRACTION WAS TO THE CONSERVATIVE MORAL AND POLITICAL STANCE THAT SEEMED TO CHARACTERIZE THE FIRST ISSUE I SAW. INCIDENTALLY (HE SAYS ACCIDENTALLY!), it was sent to me by a friend, so I really didn't "hear about you" at all, and still haven't. All I know is what has come in the two issues of the Newsletter I have seen.
The best to you. S. P.
*Another name for UNC. ** UNC's archrival - NCSU.
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You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? ------------------------------------
Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 . . . . . $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 . . . . . $9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 . . . . . $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . . . . . $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . . . . . $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 . . . . . $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 . . . . . $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 . . . . . $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 . . . . . $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 . . . . . $21.19 per gallon $21.19 FOR WATER!....and the buyers don't even know the source.
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"Not being on the air, that's not important. But I'd like to be in the newsroom helping set the agenda."
Retired CBS Anchorman Walter Cronkite
{Dear Walter, Fair news knows no agenda - Howdy}
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Q. What makes the Tower of Pisa lean? A. It never eats.
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Prayer Request:
Please pray that God will hinder the work of the "Hired Howdy Hunters". There's 2 or 3 that are dedicated to stopping thousands of readers from receiving this almost 6 year old publication.
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Bible - God's Word in different languages...
http://www.scriptures.com/
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Goodbye for now & rhapsodic artic/Siberian duration!!!
Your friend, confidant, & cohort, Howdy (probably spurious) P.S. God bless the USA!!!
DEDICATION: John & Emily
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"I believe the Bible is the best gift God has ever given to man. All the good from the Savior of the world is communicated to us through this book." --Abraham Lincoln
"For we must consider that we shall be as a City upon a hill. The eyes of all people are upon us. So that if we shall deal falsely with our God in this work we have undertaken, and so cause Him to withdraw his present help from us, we shall be made a story and a byword throughout the world." --John Winthrop, Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, 1630
"America was born a Christian nation. America was born to exemplify that devotion to the elements of righteousness, which are derived from the revelations of Holy Scriptures. Part of the destiny of Americans lies in their daily perusal of this great book of revelations. That if they would see America free and pure they will make their own spirits free and pure by this baptism of the Holy Spirit." --Woodrow Wilson
"It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here." --Patrick Henry, original member of the Continental Congress
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Q: Why is 'Thought & Humor' so long? A: All newspapers & magazines are long!
Q: What if I can't read all of it? A: Delete it. Most folks don't read every word in every newspaper/magazine either?
Q: Am I required to memorize each article? A: Nope! Delete what you don't have time for or save for another time.
Q: Is 'T & H' Spam? A: No, it's made entirely of ham.
Q: Can I forward to friends & family? A: Please do.
Q: Who is Howdy? A: We let him think he's the boss...
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Four important things to KNOW:
1) For ALL (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) have sinned & fall short of the glory of God.
2) For the wages of above (see #1) are DEATH (Hell, eternal separation from God, & damnation) but the Gift (Free & at No Charge to you) of God (Creator, Jehovah, & Trinity) is Eternal Life (Heaven) through (in union with) Jesus Christ (God, Lord, 2nd Person of The Trinity, Messiah, Prince of Peace & Savior).
3) For God so greatly loved & dearly prized the world (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French etc.) that He even gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, that whosoever (anyone, anywhere, anytime -
while still living) believes (trust in, relies on, clings to, depends completely on) Him shall have eternal (everlasting) life (heaven).
4) Jesus said: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, & THE LIFE. No one (male/female- American, Muslim, Jew, Catholic, Hindu, Buddhist, Asian, Presbyterian, European, Baptist, Brazilian, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) comes (arrives) to the Father (with GOD in Heaven) EXCEPT BY (through) ME (no other name).
This wonderful loving GOD gives you the choice - - - (Rev. 3:20)
{Please note that church membership, baptism, doing good things, etc. are not requirements for becoming a Christian however they are great afterwards!!!}
Jesus said, "Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction (Hell, damnation, eternal punishment), and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life (Heaven, eternal happiness, forever with God), and only a few find it. --Matthew 7:13-14
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WORD-MATCH ANSWER KEY
1. deride G. To laugh at with contempt. 2. felicitous H. Well suited or expressed; appropriate. 3. peniaphobia E. Fear of poverty. 4. quiddity I. An eccentricity; an odd feature. 5. biunial D. Combining two in one. 6. trencherman C. A hearty eater; a glutton. 7. abbozzo B. A rough draft or sketch. 8. magirics J. Cooking, a chef. 9. rebarbative A. Serving or tending to irritate or repel. 10. fealty F. Fidelity; allegiance; faithfulness.
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*******Write Howdy!!!*******
Note: The HHH likes to keep you from writing Howdy by knocking his ISP address out of action, Sooo... Two can play that game. To write Howdy, decipher this riddle - easy enough for any including UNC students:
(Our software is unable to use this address for unsubscribing - sorry.)
1) Pick a 4 letter possessive pronoun that begins with the next to the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the letter pronounced "are".
2) Place a dash.
3) Use the 6 letter word that means the opposite of "enemy".
4) Pick a number between 3 and 5.
5) Select a letter of the alphabet that sounds like "you".
5) Next add the symbol that must be in every e-mail (located above the "2" on your keyboard.
6) Now select the proper ISP, AOL is fine for many folks, and Earthlink has its following but Juno was the first that many used.
7) Add the .com if you trust those kind of folks more than those .org's!
8) You now have Howdy's 22 space e-mail address for communicating or subscribing...
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Take the best medicine of all for what ails you -- laughter: "Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects." --Arnold Glasow "Laughter is by definition healthy." --Doris Lessing "If somebody makes me laugh, I'm his slave for life." --Bette Midler The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." --Mark Twain "What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul." -- Yiddish Proverb "Laughter is an instant vacation." -- Milton Berle "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge
NOTICE: The jokes published in this list were either submitted directly to 'Thought & Humor' or are, we believe, in the public domain. If you think that we have published a joke without giving proper credit to its author/owner, please let us know and we will provide appropriate credit in a future mailing.
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The "E-Mail Newspaper" containing 'Thought & Humor' is sent out FREE via e-mail w/o ads. This information was sent to you because you or a friend may have requested, if not, accept our apologies and you will be deleted from our data base after you advise Howdy. 'Thought & Humor' is one small attempt to obey "The Great Commission". First published in the last century (July 26, 1997).
Soli Deo Gloria...
________"E-Mail Newspaper (Free4u)" ______
If this is spam to you, then please discard it. But consider it a compliment from me that I thought you were of a mindset that would appreciate it. This message is in full compliance with U.S. Federal requirements for commercial email under bill S.1618 Title lll, Section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(C) passed by the 105th U.S. Congress and cannot be considered SPAM since it includes a remove mechanism.
References gleaned for great humor & information: Merry Heart, Thomas S. Elworth, Funny List, MeMail, Daily Dose, Joke of the Day, Kim Komando, Buffalos3, MIKEY'S FUNNIES , The Daily Tease, Crosswalk.com. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
Thought & Humor' respects your privacy and wishes to honor your desires to not receive e-mail from us if that's your choice, and we apologize if any message causes any inconvenience to you or your computer. We have never given any reader's e-mail addresses to a third party & have no plans to do such unless the price is right:o) (Liberals please note - that was humor)
ANSWERS TO RIDDLES: 1) The early bird gets the worm. 2) A VENUS FLY TRAP 3) Eye glasses
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***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING*** Don't reply to spam. Many things can happen if you do. Probably none of them will be good. So use your head. Kim Komando
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Howdy's "UNSUBSCRIBE" Address
Note: The HHH (for a fee) likes to keep you from UNSUBSCRIBING from Howdy's award winning publication by knocking his unsubscribe e-mail address out of action, Sooo... Two can play that game but sorry you have to go through this rigmarole!!!
To unsubscribe, decipher this riddle - easy enough for any including French students:
1) The unsubscribe address consist of 30 spaces. 2) Think of a two letter word that sounds like "sew". 3) Now add a punctuation that is a very low dash. 4) Add a delightful four letter word that is the opposite of short. 5) Repeat step #3. 6) Now add my name - who is your devoted friend. 7) Simply add the symbol found in every e-mail address. 8) What school does howdy kid often??? 9) Now add a dash of salt w/o the salt. 10) Add Bill Clinton's favorite 2-letter word to define & another #9. 11) What is a hilarious word that rhymes with "bunny". 12) Finally add .com, .net, or .org but as for me, personally I never trust those .net & .com guys.
For the software to be able to handle your request, please place "UNSUBSCRIBE" in the subject line with your e-mail address.
Please beaware that we will miss you. If this doesn't work, you might just have another e-mail address that forwards and you would of course need to unsubscribe also from that address (often a school address). NOTE: IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE AN UNSUBSCRIBE CONFIRMATION - PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER.
Send this to four people and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it. Howdy