A UNC student in tears called her father. "What's the matter?" asked the father. "You gave me some bad financial advise," she said. "I did? What did I tell you?" "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about, that's one of the largest banks in the world," he said, "surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," said the girl, "they just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
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Two UNC grads decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any. One grad looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it -- why aren't we getting any ducks?"
One grad says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds. Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies into which they never enter and with their hand on the doorlatch they die outside. GK Chesterton
Trust in yourself and you are doomed to disappointment; trust in money and you may have it taken from you; but trust in God, and you are never to be confounded in time or eternity. - D.L. Moody
Who is Jesus? (http://www.ccci.org/whoisjesus/interactive-journey/)
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Katie, Katie," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
It's Hard Out Here for a Wimp by Ann Coulter Posted Mar 08, 2006
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A Lesson in Data and Analysis for NYT
Leftist Agenda at 2006 Oscars Crashed
CBS's Stem Cell Shenanigans
Poisoning Children, Too?
In case you missed the Oscars last Sunday night, here are the highlights:
-- Best Song went to a musical tribute to the overseers of human sex slaves, an occupation known as "pimping";
-- Best Picture went to a movie about racism in Los Angeles;
-- Best Supporting Actor went to the movie about how oil companies murder people; and
-- Best Supporting Actress went to the movie about how pharmaceutical companies murder people.
Curiously missing from Oscar night's festivities was any reference, even in passing, to the 150,000 brave Americans currently risking their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan.
On behalf of red state America, let me be the first to say: "Screw you, Hollywood."
Although I must tell you, overall, this Academy Awards ceremony was a major strategic retreat by Hollywood. Despite all their Bolshevik bluster about how Democratic politicians won't stand up to Republicans, the Hollywood left is as scared of decent patriotic Americans as the Democrats are.
"Brokeback Mountain" did not win best picture, "Munich" won nothing, and the Palestinian suicide bombers movie won nothing. There was no angry self-righteousness from Vanessa Redgrave against "Zionist hooligans," or from Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon for the Haitian boat people. There was no Bush-bashing. There was no Michael Moore. The host was not Whoopi Goldberg, so that's a big fat reward to every man, woman and child in America right there.
This may have been the most American Oscars yet, if America consisted of beautiful airheads in $50,000 dresses. And that was just the guys in "Brokeback Mountain."
I believe this marks the first time in Oscars history that an award recipient shouted, "Thank you, Jesus!" upon receiving his award. Admittedly, this was the only part of the speech that didn't have to be bleeped and it was for a song titled, "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp," but it's still a step forward.
Jon Stewart, this year's host, was very funny -- but not quite as funny as the fact that the audience didn't get the jokes. (There were a lot of actors in the audience.) Apparently, the one comedy bit capable of bringing down a house of actors is: Ben Stiller hopping around in a green unitard.
However liberal Stewart is personally, his best jokes are always mildly conservative.
He twitted the Hollywood audience, saying:
"I have to say it is a little shocking to see all these big names here, these huge stars. The Oscars is really, I guess, the one night of the year where you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party."
Actually, between George Clooney's posturing and the ode to pimpdom winning "best song," I think Oscar night was more of a fund-raiser for the Republican Party.
George Clooney made the only stand for liberal Hollywood, smugly declaring:
"We are a little bit out of touch in Hollywood every once in a while. I think it's probably a good thing. We're the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just being whispered, and we talked about civil rights when it wasn't really popular. ... (T)his group of people gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I'm proud ... to be part of this community, and proud to be out of touch."
Forget about Hollywood's being ahead of the big issues: Hollywood has never even been on time for the big issues. This is why, for example, in the middle of an epic war with Islamic fascists, Hollywood is still making movies about the Nazis. Now and then, just for variety, they tackle a more current topic, like the Jim Crow era.
Even on AIDS -- which is something you'd expect people like Clooney to know something about -- Hollywood was about seven years behind. Wait, no -- bad choice of words. Even on AIDS, Hollywood got caught with its pants down. Still no good. On AIDS, Hollywood got it right in the end. Oh, dear ... Note to self: Must hire two more interns to screen hate mail.
The point is: The Hollywood set didn't start wearing AIDS ribbons to the Oscars until 1992:
-- 10 years after The New York Times described AIDS;
-- seven years after AIDS was the cover story on Life magazine;
-- seven years after AIDS was in People magazine;
-- five years after Oprah did a show on AIDS.
Only recently has George Clooney heard about segregation. (He's against it.) But he still can't nail down the details of something that ended nearly half a century ago.
Contrary to Clooney's impassioned speech, no theaters ever forced black people to sit in the back. If you were trying to oppress people, you would make them sit in the front, which are the worst seats in the house. Or you'd just make them watch a George Clooney movie.