Pneumonia: What you get after you've had old monia.
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I once went with friends to eat at the fanciest restaurant in Chapel Hill.* One friend was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"
To our utter amazement, the waitress picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate, then told my friend, "If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know."
A U.S. Postal Service mail carrier was making his rounds. He had a special-delivery package that had to be delivered in person, so he went up to the door. A woman answered, signed for the package, and took it.
The mail carrier spotted a snail on the ground near him. He stomped on the snail, yelling, "Die, snail, die! and ground the snail with his heel.
The woman asked, "Why did you just kill that snail?" The mail carrier replied, "That sneaky snail has been following me around all day!"